it's not fair! that other religion has its kitsch -- its Jesus night lights, its Virgin Mary key chains -- but us Jews, we don't have any, nu?!
Well, sister authors Jennifer and Victoria Traig are out to change all that with the release of their hilarious coffee table recipe/craft/how-to book, Judaikitsch: Tchotchkes, Schmattes And Nosherei .
A technicolour journey into what could happen if Martha Stewart were abducted by a tribe of trailer-park rabbis, Judaikitsch is a bizarre collection of meshugass that could only have been dreamed up by the kind of women who throw Friday-Night Fever Disco Dinners for Shabbat.
The authors claim that while their book is not a guide to Jewish practice, it doesn't contradict it. But Talmudic scholars might have something to say about, oh, the Neil Tzedakah Box -- the ritual Jewish charity change box here painted gold, decorated with glitter and featuring a picture of Neil Sedaka, a good Jewish mensch.
Or Starlet of David Sunglasses, decorated with Star of David pendants in honour of every stylish Florida bubbi's sequin fetish.
Learn how to make Steppin Out Yarmulkes (pompoms are the new black) and, of course, a pet yarmulke, because, you know, your pets are Jewish, too. (The cat, for instance, refuses to work on the Sabbath. He's very religious.)
For Sukkot, make a miniature South Sea Sukkah with astroturf for the floor, sushi mats for walls and action figures for lounging. Malibu Barbie never had so much naches!
The crafts are funnier than the dishes -- which are often just classics snazzed up with new names -- but you can't fault a book whose theme is basically "Nice Jewish Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." And, boy, do they ever.
I'm taking this one home for Passover.
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JudaiKitsch: tcHotchkes, schmattes and nosherei By Jennifer and Victoria Traig (Chronicle/Raincoast), 124 pages, $24.95 paper. Rating: NNNN