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Dam You All to Hell

Dear Sasha,

I ended a two-year relationship six months ago. My lover was extremely neurotic and given to mood swings. The only thing that she didn’t complain about was the sex but that alone was not enough to sustain the relationship. Months later the only sex I’ve had has been with escorts and the odd visit to a rub and tug.

My question is this-I love eating pussy. When I see escorts I spend a good 45 minutes dining. For me it’s foreplay. My question is what precautions should I take when seeing an escort?

Duckworth

Dear Duckworth,

If I tell you it’s safest to go down on a woman using a dental dam (a latex or non-latex sheath to prevent the exchange of fluids and skin-to-skin contact), are you actually going to do it? Fans of dining at the Y usually recoil at this suggestion because it compromises several of the more enjoyable aspects of this act.

I’ve actually had people reply with angry missives at the above proposal (don’t shoot the messenger, baby!), but the fact is, a person can contract many STDs from oral-to-genital contact: gonorrhea, syphilis, HPV and her-pes, to name four. Having sex with a person whose sexual health you are not fully apprised of puts you at risk – this goes for those who are being dined upon as well.

It is completely up to you how you wish to deal with this. You are an adult man, Duckworth. If you fear for your health, inform yourself about the risks involved in unprotected oral and behave accordingly. Perhaps this means taking your chances and getting tested frequently, perhaps it means having exchanges with sex workers who insist on the safest methods of intimacy and finding out ways to be creative that are satisfying. It’s up to you.

Dear Sasha,

Where can I buy a vacuum penile pump for a reasonable price? P.S. I’m less amazed by the information you give than by just how good a writer you are.

Rene

Dear Rene,

I’m going to ask a few questions about your intention to purchase such a device, so be prepared to be dazzled by my prose while somewhat unimpressed with the information I provide.

Are you interested in a penis pump for the purpose of enlarging your penis? As a sex columnist, I’ve encountered men who claim to have had long-term success with this method (and have graciously offered photographic evidence), but placing so much persistent suction on your penis can actually affect its performance.

Bad accidents like sucking your balls into the apparatus can also fuck with your shit. Too much enthusiastic pumping can damage capillaries and tear skin, sometimes compromising function forever and, judging by the photos I’ve received, create a rather alarming-looking cock. Personally, I would rather have a rendezvous with a smaller penis than one that looks like a sausage ready to burst out of its casing at any moment.

If you’ve been researching penis pumps to assist you with erectile dysfunction, you may have a hard time finding one at a reasonable price. These models are made and distributed by medical equipment suppliers and are generally of a better quality.

Medical equip-ment suppliers have usually gone to lots of trouble to patent such equipment and have medical professionals approve of this, that and the other thing. That process is fucking expensive.

You’re paying for a lot of backend research and endorsements when you buy something of this calibre. Still, it produces the same effect (sucking blood into the penis), but it also includes a ligature ring that you roll to the base of the penis to maintain your homemade erection. The compression ring stops the blood from moving out of the penis until you’re done using it – generally recommended to be no more than 30 minutes. You can achieve the same effect with a cheaper one and a regular cock ring.

If you are using a penis pump to correct a curve in your penis (Peyronie’s disease) here is a study that attests to the effectiveness of this [PDF].

Basically, what a pump does is suck blood into your penis by reducing pressure outside it. You know those people who chew gum and pop it by sucking the bubble back into theirs mouths? Sort of the same idea. Think about it that way and maybe you’ll be a little more circumspect about purchasing one at any price.

Got a question for Sasha? Ask away: sasha@nowtoronto.com.

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