Dear Sasha,
I have recently reconnected with my mother after many years of disorder and absence. I am being cautious about time with her – she can be an energy-sucker – but I also want to help her with what’s clearly been a problem her whole life.
My mother was sexually abused when she was a child.
The cycle did not continue into my own childhood, but what it did to my mother’s sexuality has not yet been repaired or even properly addressed. She’s confessed to me throughout my life (after a couple of glasses of gin, usually) that she’s never had an orgasm.
Clearly, she finds penises repulsive but says she’s not gay or even interested in exploring this possibility. She’s floated from one boyfriend to the next for the past 23 years, with periods of singleness in between.
I’ve worked for years to keep a healthy space between my mother and myself, but if there’s one thing I’d like to give her, it’s the gift of orgasm. How do I broach the topic, and how do I help her with this without getting sucked into her victim world?
Jade
Dear Jade,
How do you mother your mother and still get mothered? It is a challenge many of us face, with many of our own challenges in tow.
I guess you have to ask yourself why your mother’s sexual pleasure preoccupies you. I’m not implying anything unseemly here, simply that you may want to give your aspiration some more measured thought.
Do you feel that helping your mother understand and take hold of her erotic life will strengthen her as a woman? Do you imagine that it will inspire in her a stronger sense of self-worth and then by extension make her a better caregiver to you? Will showing your mother this be some sort of miraculous panacea for years of neglect, distance and disappointment?
When we engage our mothers in the idea of mutual caretaking, we need to do so with caution and a reduced sense of expectation.
Bestowing the gift of sexual liberation on your mother is not a simple case of providing her with some organic lubricant and a feisty vibrator, then scampering off to your perch and waiting patiently like Dian Fossey. Your mother’s sexual abuse and how it relates to her sexual persona currently is something that must be regarded with great consideration.
Books and DVDs to help you along in this can include those by Staci Haines – a survivor of childhood sexual abuse herself (here is a link to the film, and here is a link to the book).
Ask yourself if you are in a place where you’re prepared to address these issues with your mother. More importantly, how does she want to address them, if at all? Perhaps your mother has chosen all these years to shut herself off from sexual pleasure because it’s the one way she has of controlling what was completely out of her control. The rage that comes with this is enormous.
I believe you can approach all of this with a light touch, but keep in mind that you must leave expectations and frustrations at the door. This is not about you giving a gift, one that may be rejected or frowned upon, and then becoming additionally frustrated with your mother for her lack of grace. As you venture into this, remember to keep your safety network strong as well.
Dear Sasha,
I was thinking about the We Vibe for a Christmas gift for my girlfriend and I. Is it any good and worth the money?
Bryan
Dear Bryan,
Thank you for providing me with a point of reference for my yearly caveat: those of you who exchange seasonal gifts should be mindful of those of an erotic nature.
As I’ve said before, for the most part, sex toys are non-refundable. They can also be quite costly, and if they don’t perform as advertised, they have the potential to cast quite a pall over an already nerve-racking time of the year.
In so many cases, these items come with promises that are impossible to live up to. Sex toy manufacturers are not restricted by reality when it comes to promoting their products and can make scintillating claims with no actual need for accountability. I know it’s thrilling to imagine something will transport you and your lover to another dimension, but the fact is, unlike what ad copy writers may suggest, you are limited by the physiology provided to you in this mortal coil.
Bryan, I did not like the We Vibe. It didn’t suit my anatomy or the level of vibration that I enjoy. Other people seem to love it. Some men enjoy clamping it around their penis and using it as a sort of a vibrating sleeve. Perhaps you may even find putting one end in your ass and then stretching the other part along your perineum delightful. Or maybe you’ll just find it aggravating or odd-feeling. It’s hard to tell unless you have an idea of what turns you on and you have an opportunity to handle it in person. As this toy is designed primarily to be used “while making love” (or in my case, while brewing up a urinary tract infection), you have two people’s pleasure to consider.
My suggestion, though not as splashy as far as grand openings of presents go, is to purchase a gift certificate to one of your local sex shops so that you and your girlfriend can go peruse items together with the assistance of a knowledgeable employee. Though you still may end up with something that doesn’t blow your head through the roof, there is less risk.
Special Community Note
Hey, Bruce Sexsmith!
Really, dude? You offer to pluck a self-described homely virgin’s secret flower, and then when she expresses enthusiasm you leave us all high and dry? Come on now, it’s time to pony up. Contact me here for details. This is your last chance, buddy.
