Dear Sasha,
I have a spanking fantasy, but I’m not interested in the club scene or public performances or in cages and chains.
Classified ads, phone ads and the internet (straight and gay, in both official languages) don’t seem to cut it: I’ve had exactly one encounter in the four years since I decided to pursue my fantasy. (It was good but could not be repeated.)
How does one avoid predators and insincere professionals (so-called) and find people who enjoy kink for itself? Any thoughts, suggestions or referrals would be most appreciated.
An Ro, Montréal
Dear An Ro,
If you want to avoid so-called insincere professionals, all you have to do is not pull out your cash or credit card when it comes to that portion of the transaction. Usually this occurs before anything indecent transpires anyway, so if you follow this standard, you should be safe. I mean seriously, are prostitutes lurking around your buttocks, rubbing their hands together greedily, pretending to be nonprofessionals and then charging you afterwards? And if your fear is giving your cash over to someone “only doing it for the money,” well, be sure to look out for make or female dominants (or submissives, if this is the way you want it to go) whose internet presence reflects a real commitment to the art.
As for predators and creepy people, come on, use your noodle. Your sexual path is in many ways no different than anyone else’s. In pursuing your desire, you will have some unpleasant and dissatisfying exchanges. Yes indeed, there are some crazy and occasionally deeply boring motherfuckers out there. But you’re asking me how to go about satisfying your sexual proclivity without having to confront or deal with any snags. Who the hell gets that? Be a little fussy and cautious from the outset – have some email and phone exchanges with people before you meet up. Still, no matter what you want, you just have to get out there and put your ass on the line. And again: fetlife.com.
On a side note, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who likes kink for itself, for “kink’s sake,” so to speak. There’s always some motivating factors that need going over in great detail. Part of kink for lots of folks seems to involve talking about kink, writing about kink and talking and writing about why they like kink. This is what makes them interesting and interested people in the world.
Driver’s Hot Seat
Dear Sasha,
My boyfriend is a sometimes-employed artist.
To supplement his income and work on his art, he’s decided he’s going to get a job as a part-time escort driver.
This makes me very, very uncomfortable. No, it’s not because of the “girls he might meet,” as he suggested. It’s because from conversations I’ve had with various people in the sex industry, I think it could be dangerous.
The agency he called told him he’s not expected to be the “muscle,” but I don’t buy it. What if something goes wrong and he has to go up and rescue a girl? What if a john comes down and wants to deal with him? What if there are drug deals or use going on in the back of the car? Where does his liability stop (or start)? The other issue is that he’s had his own drug problems, primarily with pot, and I’m not convinced that being in that world would not be too tempting. (I have no problem with the sex industry, by the way, but I am leery of the crime that surrounds it since it’s illegal.) What do you think? Who’s naive here?
Worried in Toronto
Dear Worried,
Here are a few things that are stressful about driving hookers around: For one, you’re driving hookers around. On most days I adore and respect my sisters in the skin trade, but I also remember taking car services when I was a stripper, and those dames rode the drivers for all they were worth.
“Can I smoke in the car? Can you just wait here for five minutes? Can we go get cigarettes? Can we stop at Dunkin’ Donuts? Can we just drop something off at my boyfriend’s house?” and on and on.
And me, well, I would throw a shit fit if anyone smoked in the car, so you can imagine how that went down with everyone else. Jesus H. Christ, it was like being in a limo with a bunch of hysterical contestants on their way to a talent contest.
I have heard from drivers that they have been expected to assist girls if things go awry. After all, the driver is the one who is most familiar with the physical location, possibly the closest to the scene and also the one the girl calls when the job is done.
Think about it from this perspective as well: how would you feel about your boyfriend if he didn’t go and help a woman who was in trouble? Drivers can also be charged, if the agency gets busted, with living off the avails. Yes, even if and when the laws around such matters change within the next year, the new parameters state that this relationship is only illegal if it is exploitative. What the hell is that going to mean? In a job where guidelines are not clear, shit happens.
On the other end of things, I have heard from girls that some drivers actually try to sell them drugs, and an escort I spoke to through the sex worker coalition in Montreal said some drivers will try to hit on girls and have sex with them, so that’s nice. (Will that be covered under the new legal guidelines around exploitation? Doubt it!) And of course not all sex workers do drugs, but some do, and, yes, those who do may try to do drugs in the car. Any job that involves driving people around for festive occasions holds this possibility, though.
I say let the lad find out what it’s like driving small-d divas around all night and then see what he has to say about your attitude toward the girls he might meet.
Got a question? Ask Sasha: sasha@nowtoronto.com
