WINNER: The West's BUCA (604 King West)
Take the alleyway opposite Susur and follow it past Cheval on your left toward Correnti Cigars, then deke to the right. Open the first unmarked metal door. If you find a boiler room full of suits eating cracker-crusted pizza, you're in the right place.
EAST CONTENDER: GIO'S (1220 Queen East)
Still can't find it? Look for the giant nose hanging over the door of what appears to be a bank with a broken window.