As promised, we’re rolling out reader-submitted hangover cures all week, in anticipation of the Holiday Drink Guide appearing this Thursday in print. Yesterday, we learned about the curative properties of chocolate milk. Today, Sidra Boyd from Toronto has a more, uh creative, answer. This probably isn’t appropriate reading if you’re at work, or easily offended. You’ve been warned.
Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. “After a particularly rough night with Jose Cuervo, I succumbed to the ‘all day puking’ hangover,” Sidra writers. “This is not a hangover you take to the office. You puke, you go back to bed, but the second you are horizontal, you know it’s time to get up and puke again, like clockwork. You can’t keep liquids down, so don’t even try food. In this situation, we all know the ONLY way to keep yourself from puking your soul out is sleep. But how does one achieve slumber when breathing is already so shallow and painful?”
[And here comes the potentially offensive, NSFW part, so you’ve been warned-again.]
“Well my friends, masturbation is the answer. Not only is an orgasm known for helping you fall asleep, it’s also proven to help cure headaches and heighten your pain threshold. And what’s more painful than a hangover?! (Okay, lots of things. See: childbirth).
“I give the hangover-gasm five stars. Note, I do not necessarily recommend this as a two-person activity. When’s the last time you were attracted to someone who smelled like bile?
“You’re welcome, Toronto, you’re welcome.”
Will Sidra, it’s certainly more hands-on than a pint or two of chocolate milk. We’ll give you that much.
Got a better solution? E-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line “HANGOVER CURE” and we may publish your response, and you may win a prize. Though if you’re Sidra, maybe being hungover is its own reward.