Rating: NNNNN
1 Have sex in Queen’s Park
There’s nothing like the feel of the breeze on your ass while you’re getting it on outdoors. Okay, you may have to master the art of the quickie to make it work, but if you cover up with a blanket the cop patrol will probably just pass you by.
2 Go topless (or bottomless) at Pride
You’ve seen others doing it. Technically, it’s legal for women to go topless any time anywhere in Ontario. Bottomless? A different story, but on Pride Day anything goes. So beat the heat and let it all hang out.
3 Do ‘shrooms and get sky high on the Centreville Skyride
Remember how, when you were a kid, the two-minute ride in a rickety gondola perched precariously on a wire above ye olde ersatz towne of Centreville was totally magical? Boost your inner childs sense of wonder with the help of hallucinogens (used responsibly, of course) and relive the experience of soaring through the sky on a muggy summer evening.
4 Start a streetcar singalong
It’s 5:15 on a Friday afternoon, 45° with the humidity, and the Queen West streetcar is going nowhere fast. What better time to break out into a horribly off-key rendition of Rocket Man? Everybody! “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time….”
5 Skateboard in an empty pool
We’ve told you to get naked in the pool, but what if the pool’s naked? Pop the Dogtown and Z-Boys doc into your DVD player for inspiration, then grab your board and grind your way around the deep end. Watch out for the diving board!
6 Go kite surfing
If windsurfing’s just a bit too tame for all you X-gamers, strap yourself to a board, grab the reins of one of these giant kites and wait for a good gust to launch you over Lake Ontario. Ashbridges Bay and Cherry Beach both offer primo kite surfing conditions. Just watch out for swimmers, boaters and other surface-bound water lovers.
7 Sneak into a wedding photo at Edwards Gardens
This verdant oasis boasts a bonanza of romantic scenery, which is why you can’t walk through the park on a summer weekend without tripping over two dozen couples who look like they just hopped off a wedding cake. Posing as a member of the wedding party is tough without a rented tux or garish bridesmaid’s gown, but strolling through the background of a perfectly composed photo freezes you for all time in the memory of what might be the happiest day of someone’s life.
8 Play ice hockey
Just because the mercurys in the 30s doesnt mean there isnt ice somewhere in the city (and not just in your whisky sour). Hockeys a year-round obsession, so grab your stick and lace up your skates… game on!
9 Dig into a monster banana split
Your waistline will hate you for it, but when it comes to ice cream, Dutch Dreams (78 Vaughan, 416-656-6959) serves up some serious scoops. The triple-scoop banana split topped with fresh fruit, candy sprinkles and whipped cream puts the sorry excuse for a banana split over at Dairy Queen to shame.
10 Build that beach bod
Once you’ve shown your love handles the love at Dutch Dreams, it’s time to bring them the pain. You might not be swimsuit issue material, but you’ll feel better in your two-piece or Speedo after a little ab-crunching, calorie-burning exercise. Besides, smaller bodies require less sunscreen, so think of it as a cost-saving measure.
11 Skinny dip in a public pool (after hours, of course)
Anyone can find a secluded spot to go swimming in their birthday suit in Lake Ontario. But for an added thrill, try sneaking into one of the city’s many public pools to get naked and work on your breaststroke.
12 Bike the Martin Goodman Trail
Never mind who Martin Goodman is or was. The 20-kilometre waterfront trail named after him is calling out to you to take your trusty tires for a test ride. Be sure you politely ring your bell before you pass a jogger or blader.
13 Sneak into the MMVAs
Love ’em or hate ’em, the MuchMusic Video Awards are one of the biggest awards shows in the country. (When was the last time you watched the Geminis?) But the real fun – booze, food, rubbing elbows with Avril Lavigne – happens behind the velvet ropes at 299 Queen West. Security’s tight and guest lists are strictly adhered to, but an enterprising party crasher can still find a way. Tell ’em you’re Moses Znaimer’s illegitimate offspring.
14 Join the Caribana parade
Sure, you can enjoy the par-tay from behind the barricades but why not join the fun and wine yuh waist along with the vibrant paraders?
15 Play ultimate frisbee
Not just regular frisbee – ultimate frisbee. With ultimate rules and ultimate leagues (yeah, ultimate frisbee leagues), it’s not just a campground time-killer, it’s a sport!
