I am a straight, monogamous man with normal sexual predilections. I don't need to find someone to pee on me, paddle my butt, tell me about fucking other men, or anything else too weird. So why am I writing to you? First, I wanted to thank you for printing all the letters from the perverts. I feel lucky that my sexuality is wired the way it is, and I'm thankful every time I read your column and am reminded of the sexuality I might have gotten.
Second, do you have any idea what kind of sexual propensities Americans have, percentage wise? I'm especially interested in knowing how many of us are muff divers. Being one myself, I wonder what kind of company I'm in.
Tom In Denver
You're in good company, TID. Like dogs, all men who muff dive go to heaven. And while I could dig up a stat for you somewhere--hell, you could dig up the stat yourself (have you heard of Google?)--what difference does a stat make? Like the perverts who fill you with that there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I feeling, TID, you like what you like. And that thing you like, Tom? Muff diving was once considered the height of kink--and not all that long ago, either. Hell, muff diving was illegal in a few of these United States until the U.S. Supreme Court finally struck down all sodomy laws in 2002.
I laughed reading your column today, but it's not always so. Sometimes it is just plain disgusting. I always thought of human sexuality as something deeply poetic and beautiful, the greatest ecstasy that is afforded human beings this side of the grave. But when reading your column one gets the feeling that human sexuality can be downright disgusting--people who like piss, sadomasochism, and orgies. Is there any way that we can salvage the poetic beauty of human sexuality?
I laughed reading your letter, JC, because only a person who has never had sex, poetic or otherwise, could write something so thoroughly idiotic. Anyone who has had sex knows that poetry, beauty, and ecstasy are so subjective that there's no point in looking down your nose at people who find poetry, beauty, and ecstasy in ways that you do not. One man's piss-soaked sadomasochistic orgy is another man's poetic ecstasy.
i been in relationshp 4 five years. off on. i gave him a disease 3 tim es. should he stay am i crazy
It's wonderful that modern technology allows my readers to send me text messages via cell phone when they're drunk and alone in bars. However, drunken text questions are not generally the questions that make it into the column. I'm only running your text, MNC, so that I can point out the shortcomings of this mode of communication. Setting aside the lack of punctuation and capitalization, to say nothing of the seemingly arbitrary use of numerals in place of words (why "4 five years" when "for 5 years" would have saved you one additional character?), the simple fact that the author of a text message cannot, perforce, go into detail about his or her problem makes this technology unsuitable for communicating with advice professionals such as myself. For instance, MNC, what disease did you give your boyfriend 3 tim es? Gonorrhea? Shingles? Lupus? Polio? That's the sort of detail I need to do my job.
We now resume your regularly scheduled advice column, already in progress.
This is not a plea for advice, but an observation. Since I don't have a television, I took to the internets for a look at Andy Samberg and Daniel V., the objects of your masturbatory inclinations. I was shocked at how un-hot these two guys looked! In a way, this exercise was helpful: You are turned on by average, ordinary, and not-so-cute guys. Knowing you were gay, I naturally assumed that they were supermodel-hot. Thanks for the learning experience and for defying my assumptions about the average gay male!
It's a sad fact: Andy Samberg and Daniel V. do not photograph well. That means you will have to catch Samberg on Saturday Night Live and Daniel V. on Project Runway to fully appreciate their all-around hotness. For instance, Daniel V.'s eyes? Dreamy. His basket? Impressive. Andy Samberg's hair? Shaggy. His mouth? He could suck your dick sideways.
Spend the day at the house of a friend who has cable, Lola, and you'll see that I'm just as shallow as the average gay male.
I'm a regular reader, I think gays are people, I don't beat my girlfriend or try to regulate her reproductive cycle or have my friends arrested when they smoke pot. Yet I voted Conservative in the election in Canada. I would also not class myself, or Stephen Harper, as a "fucktard."
The Liberals got tossed out because they were thieves, power-hungry thieves, who funneled hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars to their cronies. This displays their moral bankruptcy, while the Conservatives have shown fresh political vision. While Harper and the Conservatives wish (as a very small aspect of their agenda) to recast or further regulate gay marriage/civil unions and abortion, on no occasion have they said they would like to ban either.
Dan, admit that democracy is a GOOD thing and that we all should be able to accept the changes that are an aspect of not living in a one-party state. In short: Please keep your single-issue sex-columnist ass out of politics, fucktard.
Kristian In Edmonton
Did I suggest that the Liberals weren't corrupt? Did I call for a one-party state? Did I tell people to riot, or suggest that Harper's win, slim though it was, wasn't legit? So tell me, KIE, how is it that you can't read but I'm the fucktard?
Thank you for the words of condolence over our ill-omened federal election here in Canada. If it makes you feel better, Stephen Harper's Conservatives have a rather small minority government, so they will be unable to enact much insanity. Also, Canada has a history of ousting conservative minority governments within a fairly short time.
In the meantime, if Harper does try to touch our gay-marriage laws, we, as Canadians, would appreciate it if you would do to Harper what you've done to Rick Santorum. If not a sexual byproduct, perhaps "harper" could become a synonym for intolerance?
Long, long ago, VNDP, I promised my Canadian readers that I would do to a bigoted Canadian politician what I had done to Rick Santorum. I never made good on that promise, and that fact has eaten away at my conscience ever since. If there's a silver lining in Stephen Harper's victory, perhaps it is this chance to make good on that promise.
I'm not sure, however, that Stephen Harper's name lends itself to santorumization. As "harp" is already a noun and a verb (musical instrument, to badger), it may be difficult to appropriate. So let's set our sights instead on some compatriot or other of Harper's. I trust my readers will let me know when a member of Harper's party or government says or does something idiotic, something appallingly anti-sex, anti-gay, and anti-Canadian. When that day comes I will, with God as my witness, spring into action. And we will, all of us together, make an international laughing stock out of a Canadian politician.
Conservatives: You are on notice!
Send your Savage Love questions to email@example.com