I am about to marry a caring and in telligent man, an amazing lover, a total stud, beyond well-endowed, someone who gets me in a way. Here's the problem: I have a ferocious sex drive, to the point where 3-5 times a day is good and more is better. The beauty of our relationship is he has an appetite to match. Despite my sublime satisfaction... I love toys. I like them for when he's gone on business and also to use with him. This never seemed to be a big deal, but the other day he freaked out and said he doesn't want me to buy them anymore.
I feel like his request is TOTALLY off base. I'm 100% monogamous and the idea of being with anyone else sickens me, but a toy is a toy is a toy! Where is this coming from?
Blushing Anonymous Bride
So you're getting married, BAB, to an amazing man with a massive cock.
How nice for you. How nice for everyone.
Just one little problem: He doesn't want you to slap away at yourself with sex toys. Actually two little problems: I don't give a shit. I'm sorry, BAB, but you've caught me in a foul mood. I'm just not up for dropping everything and crafting a response that offers you some insight into your fiancé's insecurities, goes on to emphasize that getting married shouldn't have to mean sacrificing your sexual autonomy (unless that turns you on), before winding things up with a stirring mini-sermon about the necessity of compromise in any long-term relationship.
I just can't be bothered today, BAB.
You see, state supreme courts in New York and Washington handed down blatantly bigoted rulings against gay marriage in July and I'm kind of pissed that you get to marry your big-dicked boyfriend but I can't marry mine. And it doesn't help that the decisions were so fucking stupid either.
After decades of being told that gay people were unfit for marriage because our relationships are unstable, the Supremes in New York ruled that marriage can be reserved solely for straights because it's actually straight relationships that are 'all too often casual or temporary'! (Were they reading my mail?) The Supremes in Washington ruled that since only straights have children then, by golly, only straights should be allowed to marry! Gay couples and gay couples with kids -- hey, fuck 'em! Straight people who are infertile, unwilling to have kids, or too old to have kids -- hey, they get in on a heterotechnicality!
How do you do it, Canada? How do you manage to remain so resolutely sane about gay marriage -- even with Harper squatting in the PM's offices -- despite sharing a long, undefended border with a country as demonstrably batty as the USA? I married my boyfriend in Vancouver, BC, last March -- thanks for the memories, Karen! -- and it seems pretty clear that heterosexual romance, straight marriage and children with heterosexual parents are still thriving in Canada. Do me a favour and point that out to the next American tourist you see staring at a handful of Loonies, okay?
Getting back to you, BAB, I hope the fiancé calms down about your toys, something he might do if you give him some measure of control over them (let him pick out toys for you; swear to use no toy that's bigger than his mighty dick), but that's really the best I can do for you this week. Sorry.
My wife fucked one of my grooms- men two weeks after we separated. I used to watch them flirt when we'd hang out but thought it was innocent. What a dupe. We were going to work things out, then she fucked him again. We have three awesome kids together. I tell you, I'd let her fuck him on the side to be with the kids, I don't give a shit. To make things worse, I met a wonderful woman. She's so awesome... open... loving. Hang a smacking on me. Tell me I'm being stupid. Tell me to leave the mother of the kids. Jesus Christ, tell me anything. She says she won't fuck him anymore, but how can I believe her?
I swear, you gay guys with your morals have it right.
Bitch Fucked Me Up
So you've now told me -- and everyone who reads Savage Love -- that you'd sign-off on the wife fuck some guy on the side, just to be with the kids. Now go tell your wife, BFMU. If she's down with it, I'm down with it. I catch hell for it, but I honestly believe divorce harder on kids than mom or dad getting a little on the side -- very discretely, of course -- with or without permission.
As for that wonderful woman you met... so awesome, so open, so loving... you probably felt the same way about your wife once too.
I'm a gay Roman Catholic. Some of my Catholic friends are a bit awkward about it, but by and large it's my non-Catholic gay friends who have the biggest beef. As far as many of them are concerned, the money I put into the collection basket is going to some sort of Anti-Gay-Civil-Liberties Union. I take my religion seriously, but I'm not a fundamentalist: I don't take something as gospel just because a man in a dress in Rome says it is. Please remind people many gay men are deeply religious and happy about it. We don't need our fellow fags diagnosing us as secretly self-loathing so much as their support and respect.
Gay Roman Catholic
You can't resent other gay men -- saner gay men -- for thinking that you might take as gospel every morsel of crap that falls from the thin lips of that 'man in a dress in Rome,' GRC. The Catholic Church has been busily 're-imposing doctrinal discipline,' as they say, ever since JPII plopped his clenched butt down on the Throne of Peter. So while it's nifty that you don't believe being Catholic means signing off on every idiot thing the Pope says, the head of your church disagrees with you. And I'm sorry, GRC, but the money you put in the collection plate does fund, in part, what amounts to an Anti-Gay-Civil-Liberties Union. It's only natural that your non-Catholic gay friends would be curious about how you reconcile your Catholicism with you Cocksuckicism. If you want to get pissy at anyone, GRC, get pissy at all those religious leaders, whether they're practicing Catholics or hell-bound heretics, who have worked so hard to make religiosity and sexual freedom seem like mutually exclusive phenomena.
In this week's column you used the term Official Discussion, or OD, to describe the conversation where a couple sits down and discusses their couplehood. I'm writing to tell you that a good term for that conversation already exists: DTR, which stands for define the relationship. Usage: I thought we were just going to hang out, but then she turned it into a DTR. It can be a verb, too: I need to DTR him and find out what's what.
This term is widespread at - are you ready for this? - Brigham Young University. I was surprised when I moved away to discover that the term isn't widely used by everyone. It's quite handy, and surely it doesn't only apply to young heterosexual Mormons.
Abbreviations Are Awesome
I agree, AAA: DTR is in every way superior to OD. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
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