At first glance, I am the guy your mother wants you to marry. Successful, sweet, clean-shaven. Below the surface, I am the guy your mother warned you about: pierced tongue, tattoos and enough kinks to make a porn star blush. A couple of months ago, I met a woman who wanted to be a sex slave. Before we started we talked about our relationship expectations, and because of a few deal breakers (she is older than me, she has kids from a past marriage, our career goals differ) we said that this wasn’t going anywhere beyond a temporary fling, albeit a very extreme one. Now she comes to my house a couple of times a week, puts on lingerie, blows me, does my dishes, massages my feet, blows me, gets tied up/spanked, picks up my dirty laundry, blows me again and then leaves. Needless to say, I am quite happy with the situation.
Now I have met a great woman. I like her and am looking to start a “normal” relationship with her (read: still hot, kinky sex, just no need for her to crawl on all fours when she enters my house, as fun as that is to watch). She has been hurt before and wants to spend a long time “getting to know each other” before we move toward anything physical. We have both acknowledged that we are interested in pursuing a relationship, just not yet. Given my situation, i.e., all those blow jobs from the submissive, I have no problems waiting as long as girlfriend material wants before we start something physical.
My question is on Dom/sub slave etiquette. Assuming things with this new woman work out, at what point should I break up with my sub? Should I tell her about the other woman? Should I tell her in advance we are ending (“Your next visit will be our last”) or should I just ask her to come over and break up then (“We both knew this was only going to last so long”)? Do I help her find a new dom? This isn’t a regular breakup, so I’m not really sure how to do it. My sub loves to serve, so would it be cheating on my next girlfriend if I let her keep doing domestic tasks for me but nothing sexual? Should I tell my next girlfriend that I had a sex slave for a while?
Deciding On Method
That’s odd. My mother never warned me about guys with piercings, tattoos or kinks. My mother did, however, warn me about guys who think a hidden tattoo or a discreet piercing somehow makes them more interesting than they actually are. “Those guys are always douchebags,” my mother used to say. Still does. But, hey, my mother isn’t the guest expert you need for this particular circumstance.
“The fact that you’re having a dominant/submissive relationship with this older woman is immaterial,” says Mistress Matisse, a pro dom, expert flogger and prolific blogger (mistressmatisse.blogspot.com). “It’s an intimate sexual relationship, so forget D/S in your handling of this. It’s clear that you’d be happy to continue on with them both, at least for a while, so the question is more polyamory skills than BDSM etiquette.
“I think you should tell both women exactly what’s going on, immediately,” Matisse continues. “Your girlfriend-to-be wants to get to know you? Well, if she can’t handle the fact that you’ve been having a D/S relationship, you better find that out now. Her response will certainly give you a clue as to how kinky your future sex life with her might be. But full disclosure, pronto, is best. Anyone who has been ‘hurt before’ is apt to be touchy about discovering perceived dishonesty down the road.”
And what about your sub?
“Your submissive is also deserving of your honesty,” says Matisse. “She may decide she wants to end your relationship, or she may be willing to continue in a nonsexual arrangement if that’s offered to her. If you are extremely lucky, your submissive and your GF-to-be may decide they can coexist in some fashion, at least for now. God knows I’ve dated men who really needed someone to pick up after them, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to do it.
“If you choose to break up with your submissive,” or if your potential girlfriend requires it, “make a date with your submissive and respectfully inform her that you are ending the relationship. Wish her well and say goodbye, no last blow jobs. And do not offer to find her a new dominant – trust me, she’ll have no trouble at all finding another dominant to accept an arrangement like the one you’ve described.”
I am a 20-year-old, bisexual, male-to-female transsexual living in Ontario. I’m not going to lie: I am not “trans-proud.” I don’t go around telling everyone I’m an MTF. I just got some new roommates and I haven’t told them; worse yet, despite being queer-positive, they don’t even conceive the fact that I’m trans – which is baffling and a nice compliment. So my question is, do I have to tell them even though I’m not really comfortable with my new roommates? What happens if I don’t and they find out? I don’t want to create an uneasy atmosphere with them when we’ve just signed a six-month lease together. The second question is around the same theme. I was dating this girl, we were only going out for about three weeks, and then I told her. She went all crazy on me claiming that I wasn’t being honest, and I was misleading her. Her words were offensive; it mutually ended quickly after that moment. Should I have told her that I was trans sooner? Should I expect the same from other lesbians?
Lost In Toronto
While I’m generally pro-disclosure, LIT, I can see why a transsexual might not want to disclose to casual acquaintances. By saying, “I’m MTF!” to co-workers, roomies, waiters, etc, you’re forever putting your maleness, which you’ve left behind, first. And transitioning to a new gender isn’t just about having new genitals, getting new breasts put on or old breasts taken off, but about being perceived as, in your case, a woman first, last and always. So should you feel obligated to tell the new roomies? No, you shouldn’t. If you become close and want to share more of your personal history with them, you can. But they don’t need to know it going in.
Not all lesbians are the same person, LIT, sharing one brain, one set of prejudices, one standard where, say, the disposal of sex toys used in previous relationships is concerned. But all lesbians – well, the overwhelming majority – would feel they have a right to know you were born a man before commencing to eat your ersatz pussy. Provided your relationship with this woman hadn’t become physical, disclosing at three weeks was prompt enough.
Dear Readers: Speaking of Kandiss Crone, which I realize we weren’t, lots of Savage Love readers wrote to the Jackson, Mississippi, teeveenewz reporter to complain about her idiotic, sex-phobic “sting” of a sex-toy shop, and many were kind enough to CC me. A sampling of Savage Love readers’ letters to Crone can be found at www.thestranger.com/savage/crone.
In other sex-toys news, last week the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit ruled that Texas’s ban on sex toys was unconstitutional. The ruling cited Lawrence v. Texas, a gift that just keeps on giving. And since Mississippi is under the Fifth Circuit’s jurisdiction, it would seem that sex toys – even three-dimensional, vibrating ones – are now legal in Jackson, Mississippi. Perhaps Kandiss Crone can do a special report for WLBT News.
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