Savage Love: how do we take this soft swap swinging to the next level?

Plus: I'm straight and turned on by gay boy

Nancy, the tech-savvy at-risk youth, two gimps, Christ on the cross, the Easter Bunny, two weeping women, and the Easter Bunny’s smoking-hot leather master took to the stage at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon, for a live taping of the Savage Lovecast on Easter weekend. Audience members submitted their questions on cards (I take my questions like some of you take your men: anonymously) – but with Rachel Lark and the Damaged Goods and comedian Nariko Ott on the program as well, we didn’t get to many questions. So I’m going to answer as many of Portland’s questions as I can in this week’s column.

DP swingers wanted 

We’ve been sleeping with another couple for three months (first time my BF and I opened our relationship). How do I suggest full penetration with the opposite partner? At this point we just do oral, and that’s the “groove” we’re in.

Only-oral-with-others may be this couple’s preferred groove and the lane they want to stay in. If they’re only up for the “soft swap,” as it’s known in swinging circles, penetration isn’t gonna happen. But you should feel free to ask for what you want. At the very least, you’ll get some long-overdue clarity about their boun-daries.

Squirting pee? Who cares?

Is squirting pee? We know that chemically it’s similar, but is it REALLY?

I’m tired of this debate, so consider this my final answer: So what if it is pee?

Straight and turned on by gay boy

My girlfriend asked me to make out with another guy. Her fantasy. We met a really pretty gay boy at a house party, and so I made out with him. I got hard, and my girlfriend made a huge scene. She says it was supposed to be for her pleasure, not for mine, and she’s still angry six months later and constantly questions whether I’m really straight. (I am!) What do I tell her?


Can I finger my boyfriend’s anus? 

When do you know if it’s okay to -insert your finger in your boyfriend’s butthole? Without fear of freaking him out?

After you’ve applied lube to your finger and his butthole – which you’re allowed to do only after you’ve asked him if you can insert your finger in his butthole and after he’s consented to having your finger in his butthole.

I want anal sans the mess

I want to try anal, but I am scared of getting poop on my partner. Is an enema enough?

Properly administered, an enema should be more than enough. But with anal as with liberal democracy, a good outcome is not guaranteed. Sometimes you do your homework and your prep and everything still comes to shit.

Top-heavy partnership needs bottom

I love my man, but we’re both tops. What should we do?

Spit-roast very special guest stars if you’re in an open relationship, take turns/one for the team if you’re in a monogamous relationship, explore and enjoy your non-butt-penetrative options.

New parents, no stamina 

How do we play around with opening up our relationship as parents of a 1-year-old? We barely have enough time or enough sleep to keep our own relationship juicy.

Play around in theory for now – lots of dirty talk – and put theory into practice after your kid is a toddler and you’ve landed a reliable babysitter.

Plug my cause 

Will you plug

Why not?

Group affection, please

My girlfriend and I are pretty grossly in love and very affectionate, especially after we’ve just had sex. Should we make an effort to tone it down a bit around a third we’ve just fucked around with? Or should we just be ourselves and if they don’t like it, oh well?

Be yourselves – but make an effort to include your third in those oxytocin-infused displays of postcoital affection. Unless your third was inconsiderate or creepy during the sex, or is anxious to go immediately after the sex (a sign you may have been inconsiderate or creepy), your third helped get you to that blissed-out state and deserves to bask a bit in the afterglow, too.

Toe penis

Does the toe make a good substitute for the penis?


Big boobs need love too

I have large breasts. My partners are either like, “YAY, BOOOOBS!” or they ignore my breasts entirely. What is it with that? How do I get people to interact with my breasts like they’re another nice body part and not a -bizarre thing?

By using your words. If there was a way you didn’t like to be kissed, presumably you would speak up rather than endure lousy kisses. Same applies here: “I have big boobs, and they’re great and I love them – but ‘YAY, BOOOOBS!’ makes me feel like I’m only my tits, which isn’t a nice feeling. That said, I don’t want my boobs ignored either. The sweet spot really isn’t that hard to hit – enjoy my boobs like you would any other nice body part.” That said, some people really, really like big boobs and it’s going to be hard for them to contain their excitement. “YAY, BOOOOBS” could be an understandable and forgivable first reaction on their part and an opening that allows you to have a conversation about bodies, consideration and consent.

Hands too large to fist

My girlfriend wants to try fisting, but my hands are really large. Any ideas for how to get around that?

A hired hand.

No oral? Break up

Tell my boyfriend to go down on me!

If your boyfriend won’t go down on you unless some fag advice columnist tells him to – if his girlfriend asking isn’t good enough – then it’s you I want to order around (break up with him!), not your boyfriend.

BF stifling single self

My boyfriend is 10 years older than me. Also, he’s the first boyfriend I’ve had in 10 years. I’m used to being single – and while he is great (sexy, amazing, smart), I feel like I’m losing parts of myself. I’m not doing the stuff my prior loneliness made it easy for me to do, creative stuff like open-mic nights. Do we break up?

You’re no longer lonely – you’ve got a boyfriend now – but you still need time alone. Even if you live together you don’t have to spend every waking/non-work hour with your boyfriend – it’s not healthy to spend every waking/non-work hour with your significant other. But instead of heading to open-mic night because you’re lonely and bored and have nothing else to do, now you’re going to go to that open-mic night (and go alone) because you enjoy it, you need the creative outlet and it’s healthy for a couple to have time apart.

Thanks Dan!

Thank you, Dan. Five years ago I was miserable in a sexless marriage. Tonight I’m here with my fabulous boyfriend and my hot sub. Thanks to your advice!

You’re welcome!

On the Lovecast, special guest Rachel Bloom from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: | @fakedansavage on Twitter

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