Boudoir Circus

Rating: NNNNNFor years I've been hearing about the magic that is Cirque du Soleil, so when my Significant Other.

Rating: NNNNN

For years I’ve been hearing about the magic that is Cirque du Soleil, so when my Significant Other announced that we had tickets for Varekai, my excitement knew no bounds. As we took our seats under the big top, my heart began to imitate the drums in Wipeout. Had we not been there with her mom, I’d have jumped Sig Oth’s lovely bones right there in the tent — and well before curtain call.Hell, even the clowns were sexy in their function as stress-relievers between aerial/acrobatic acts, sort of like sips of water between mind-blowing at-home liaisons. (Water is the new post-coital cigarette.)

Now, we can’t all run away and join the circus, but having been to the Cirque , I propose that we should all do our damnedest to bring the circus home to our bedrooms.

This approach will require you to imagine that you’re French, lithe of bod and fearless. It’ll also demand a devastating resourcefulness with common bedroom furniture.

A word of warning: most adults I know will confess to an irrational terror of clowns, which must surely stem from their exposure to the three-ring bad mall circuses of childhood. (Oddly enough, many of these same individuals will admit to an irrational desire to fuck a Shriner, but only if he’s wearing his fez and vest during the act.) Be sure to assess your lover’s responsiveness to clown makeup before emerging from la toilette looking like a cross between Howdy Doody and Gene Simmons. You want your lover to be calling your name, not his/her shrink’s.

The average apartment ceiling won’t tolerate the stresses and strains of a trapeze, nor do the dimensions of most urban bedrooms accommodate a nice, wide arc. (Those of you dwelling in genuine lofts with exposed beams should count yourselves lucky. Please do try this at home — and send us all photos!)

In the absence of a trapeze, your dresser makes for an excellent replacement, with lots of aerial potential. The farther it is from your bed, the more your midair somersaults will impress your lover.

Just be sure to practise a few times. The goal is to hit the bed in an artful position. Study your cats for tips on long-distance flights without injury. You needn’t land on your feet every time, but hitting the floor tits first might put a damper on the proceedings. Beginners should stick to performing an elegant handstand on the dresser (or nightstand), a move that, if done properly (and for long enough), will offer your lover a bird’s-eye view of your goods.

Most circus performers work under assumed names, usually because of run-ins with immigration officers. Think up sexy names for yourself and your partner and use them before, during and after the show. Learning a few lines of sexy Romany or French wouldn’t hurt either.

Music makes the circus. Anything French-sounding and moody will do, especially if it was composed by a bi-polar Parisian dying of TB in a garret. Opera can also provide a thrilling soundtrack. No matter what type of music you choose, make sure the recording goes on for long enough. A circus performer never stands up mid-act to say, “Hang on a sec while I flip the tape.”

Also essential: tights. Need I say more? Slippers should never be worn on hardwood floors, at least not by amateurs.

Although the trapeze is an important part of any circus act, we mustn’t forget our other options: fire-eating, juggling and, yes, the employment of animals. In the case of an at-home circus, fire-eating should be treated metaphorically to avoid injury. Your lover is the flaming torch you’re about to devour, get it? Don’t deny it: you’ve noticed the oral techniques of the fire eater and wondered if they were transferable. Having dated one myself, I can tell you they are.

Don’t be afraid to inject a little comedy into the boudoir circus. Humour is an important element in the circus world. What better icebreaker could there be than juggling a bottle of lube and a couple of toys as you answer the door?

Although Cirque du Soleil doesn’t employ animals, feel free to take some liberties. That said, and especially where beloved pets are concerned, please pay attention to what I’m suggesting here. This next bit has nothing to do with bestiality. All I’m saying is that, since your pets are probably regular audience members in your bedroom anyway, why not put them to work? Note that it’s not a good idea to attempt to pry Fluffy’s jaws apart (however gently) in order to mimic putting your head inside. Bad breath aside, a cat’s or dog’s mouth isn’t big enough, and you’ll end up (a) looking really stupid or (b) losing an eye mid-seduction.

If you don’t think you’ve got the flexibility, strength (or record collection) to turn your bed chamber into a sexy circus, don’t despair. You can always take your lover to see the real Cirque du Soleil. I guarantee that at least some of what you see onstage will stimulate your inner acrobats later in the evening. If you don’t get laid after seeing Cirque Du Soleil, well, it must have something to do with undetected/unresolved clown issues.

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