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Facing temptation

I’ve been having a very difficult time adhering to the rules of my Manbbatical lately.

It’s about a man I know. The more time I spend getting to know him, the harder it is to keep my hands, lips, and vagina to myself.

I had a long talk with friends this weekend about my slippery slope. They pointed out that many of my familiar habits re: dating and men are rearing their ugly heads, once again.

This project was supposed to be all about me. It wasn’t just about curbing my boy-craziness, it was to be a complete overhaul of my life – my physical and emotional health, my goals, my focus, my work, my friendships, and the way I deal with men and relationships.

For a myriad of reasons, I’ve been completely derailing from my track. I’ve mostly been on the road (telling jokes) for the past six weeks. Because of that, I’ve been shirking my gym and diet pledges. I’ve also been partying on the road, going to bed and sleeping late…

And since I met this man, I’ve been seeing and talking to him at every opportunity. I think about him a lot. The whole point of this project was to stay out of a relationship, and center on myself.

To be clear, I am not sleeping with him. A great part of me is glad we’re not boning. It not only gives us something to look forward to, but it adds it’s own weird spice and mystery.

Since I began dick-apnea, I’ve dodged quite a few bullets. Many dudes I would’ve slept with – or at least tried to – well, that would have turned ugly, quickly. These men may have been a good shag, but would screwing them have made my life better? I don’t think so. I think it might have only made things more complicated.

I’m trying to keep myself in check. I’m trying to keep my body, my mind & mostly my heart, sapient. I’m trying to figure out how to do that, and still enjoy my resonating crush. The more I get to know him, the more I care about him. The goal was to get to know myself, and care more about me.

I really didn’t think this project was going to be so difficult. I knew not having sex for a year might suck, but keeping myself from being with someone who I genuinely care about is agony.

I’m not complaining. I’m still very proud and grateful for what I’ve accomplished so far. I keep trying to remind myself, that the struggle will make me stronger and I have to treasure what I’m fighting for.

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