Dear Sasha,
I’m a healthy 25-year-old male who’s been in a loving, monogamous relationship with my fiancée for some five years. Three months ago, while making sweet, aggressive love, a small paper-cut-sized tear (which bled and hurt like a sunnavabitch) developed where my foreskin attaches to the head of the penis. (I am not circumcised.)
I took time to let it heal on its own, but we have since tried making love, and the tear has recurred twice in the three-month span.
Although we’ve supplemented our romps with gentler and generous oral sex and sex toys, we’ve both come to the point where we need some good old-fashioned penetration. My problem is that as soon as we try (and my foreskin gets pulled back), I get this queasy, dick-limpening feeling that makes me panic and go soft. I’ve inspected myself and can’t find any sign of the tear, so physically I’m good to go – although I’m open to the possibility that the tear remains. I have a checkup scheduled with my physician in mid-June. While I am willing to get circumcised if need be, I would first like to seek out resources to help me deal with the psychological trauma that is becoming a great source of mutual frustration.
Penetration Phobia
This is not a super-uncommon problem with uncircumcised men, PP, when the foreskin is just a little too attached to the penis. What penis fan amongst us doesn’t know the feeling of being just a little too attached at times? You can hardly blame the frenulum for its own devotion.
There is no need to get circumcised. At most, the doctor might consider putting an incision in your frenulum to loosen it up a little. Usually this loosening happens when you’re little and your mom, when changing your dipe, cleans your wiener and releases the foreskin from its mooring, but from time to time it stays just a bit too snug.
If your physician suggests you get a full circumcision, get a second or third or fourth opinion. It is completely unnecessary, will result in a long and painful healing process and also means you don’t have a foreskin any more. There is a frenulum under your tongue, too, and the process of having your penile frenulum released is a little like the operation involved where a person is literally tongue-tied. The skin is incised, which releases the body part it is tethering down too tightly.
A physician wouldn’t suggest cutting off a part of your tongue to release this frenulum, so in my opinion the only reason to do this when it comes to your penis is simple foreskin phobia.
Your consultation is coming up, but in the meantime, a good way of softening the skin is by applying pure vitamin E oil. You may also try protecting your penis prior to your consultation by wearing a condom and using scads of lube.
I know how injuries in the genital area can trigger a vast network of attendant feelings that cause a domino effect of shutting down pleasure, but, honestly, there is really nothing to be alarmed about. You should be back in the saddle and making sweet hard love to your lady again in no time.
Lez Goes Crazy, Lez Gets Nuts
Dear Sasha,
I am what is known as a gold star lesbian and have been so for over 45 years. What this means to the layperson is that I have never been with a man. And I mean no smoochin’, no pettin’, no nuthin’.
The desire to do so has never struck me before, and I wouldn’t say that an actual “desire” has now – more of a curiosity, really. Not so much a burning need, more of a “why the hell not?” I see young queers expressing fluidity in a way that was never encouraged by my community when I was that age. In my youth, to be bisexual was a badge of dishonour.
To sleep with a bisexual woman? A crime against the lesbian sisterhood. Fence-sitters! Heartbreakers! Truants! And a man? Never!
But now here I am, not so much with a feverish desire for cock, but with more of a vague and unthreatening feeling of “why not?”
Who’s Going to Get My Gold Star?
Oh sure, maybe just a quick peek ‘n’ poke, right?
My thoughts on exploring outside of your comfort zone/orientation are to consider the comfort of your object of interest first and proceed with respect. Will this be the sort of thing that you will set out to do with Lesbian Ranger-like zeal, then become visibly disgusted and/or alarmed when things get boner-y?
Also, let’s talk about what makes a man. Are you limiting your quest to cisgendered men, or will your exploration involve transmen as well? More details please.
COMMUNITY NOTES
Starting Monday (June 13) the federal government begins appealing Judge Susan Himel’s decision to strike down laws around sex work that defy the Canadian Charter. The Ontario Court of Appeal hears the case for the entire week.
As I have mentioned, Maggie’s and POWER, both sex work advocacy groups from Ontario, have been granted intervenor status, and their lawyers will be presenting on Thursday (June 16).
To attend the proceedings, come to the courthouse at 130 Queen West, beginning Monday. Business starts at 10:30 am, but the entire week should be chock full of passionate arguments and interesting analysis, so it’s advisable to come early to get a seat.
As Nikki Thomas, the executive director of the Sex Professionals of Canada, said during the Symposium On HIV, Law And Human Rights this past week, “The Crown will argue that it has no responsibility to protect sex workers, yet they are spending millions of dollars keeping Robert Picton [who murdered dozens of sex workers] in protective custody.” How’s that for a jarring disconnect, people?
Speaking of sex work, on June 25, the Scandelles present a show that has been many years in the works. Les Demimondes is a multidisciplinary cabaret that looks at media and artistic representations of sex workers from the point of view of sex workers themselves. We posit the question “How is it that you can you make a film, photograph or painting about a whore, write a book or song about a whore, become a journalist or professor who pursues and studies whores, but being a whore is criminalized?”
We hope the federal government’s appeal mentioned above will be struck down and that this will be the last time we mount a production with this vexing query at its crux. For tickets, call Buddies in Bad Times Theatre (12 Alexander), 416-975-8555. Show starts at 8:30 pm.
