Dear Sasha,
I enjoy anal sex and dislike my brownish-coloured winky. (I hate the term “asshole” – it rings badly in my ears. Actually, I don’t like the term “hole” to describe a mouth, pussy or ass. It sounds crude.) Anyway, that’s beside the point. I want to lighten things up and have been out of luck.
Please don’t tell me to accept it.The truth is, I have a thing about being very clean. I shower to feel fresh in the morning, shower before bed to feel fresh. If I work out, I shower after as well, and in the summer if it’s hu-mid or I’ve gone swimming/tanning, I shower again.
Every time I go number 2, I use wet ones after wiping to make sure things are clean. I use the shower head to cleanse every day or two and use Fleet products every few days. I am a little OCD about a few things, but I have worked as a massage therapist for many years and have seen enough dirty, stained sheets and gotten enough whiffs of foul asses. People have no shame. You cannot do number 2, wipe with a piece of toilet paper and expect things to be fresh.
Many men have hairy asses as well, which harbour bacteria and sweat and god knows what else. I am already disgusted and, in all honesty, I like bisexual men. They are generally very clean, take care of body hair, etc, and I am open-minded anyway.
Sorry – I tend to talk a lot about a wide variety of subjects, but I do not meet a lot of very open people, and the privacy of email feels comfortable.
I want a lighter-coloured tushy area, cream coloured, pinkish, just not brown. I am not looking for a perfect pink rosebud, but I’d be happy if it were lighter overall. I find it prettier to the eye, and it would make me happier.
I have Googled a variety of spas and called quite a few, and no one seems to offer it. With all the gay men and sex workers around, it seems to me this service must exist.
I know there are quite a few creams you can buy online, but the reviews aren’t encouraging. Do they work? So, Sasha, any recommendations? Do you know anyone who offers a service that will actually work?
Sabrina
Dear Sabrina,
The fact that you call your asshole your winky is hardly beside the point. It is precisely the point. You have turned a complex, erogenous and indispensable body part into a Doris Day song, and in doing so are compromising its functionality. The obsessive enemas (not good for you at all – they dry out the passage, making fissures in the delicate tissue all the more possible), the mad cleanliness, the bacteria hysteria, all these things need to be seriously addressed and not sloughed off as a touch of OCD.
Sure, some of the creams (which by the way, are banned in the UK and France) work, and here’s how: they burn the pigment out of some of the most vital skin on your epidermis. You don’t have to be a turd specialist to know this is a very bad idea.
Your asshole has one of the most important roles in the cabaret that is your body. Damaging it so you’re more comfortable with its appearance is courting the kind of hubris that a woman like you, so possessed by an unhinged standard of cleanliness, should be very mindful of.
Trust me, Sabrina, having a brown – and let’s think for a moment why you might find that colour so dis-taste-ful – anus is probably easier than having one that requires the use of a bag to function. Please think twice about applying a mercury-based cream to your (blarf) winky to achieve a small amount of aesthetic comfort.
Why not go for less radical cosmetic options, like candlelight and rouge? Or here’s a revolutionary thought: the anus, already blessed by most world religions with a strong taboo, needs no help to be exciting and provocative.
Community Notes:
And speaking of revolutionary thoughts around beauty…
If outsiders make great art, then it stands to reason that those who occupy some of the outermost fringes should be some of the best artists.
Sure, we’ve all suffered through the indignity of bad queer spoken word. We’ve all gone out to support a self-described marginalized commu-nity’s performance project and felt violated by our “good deed.” We’ve all been to performances where the meaning of “normal” and “sexy” have been challenged along with our patience.
Perhaps we ourselves have abused our friends’ good graces with our own less than scintillating creative work around our issues. Sometimes it takes a while, when you’re fighting multiple fights, to get your work to a place of excellence. Sometimes it’s hard not to be self-indulgent when no-body’s ever listened to what you have to say about yourself.
Sins Invalid (sinsinvalid.org) blows all that shit out of the water. Sins Invalid is a group of disabled performers – many of colour, queer-identified and all the various other intersecting oppressed identities that show up on such bills – who are, for the most part, stupendously gifted and com-pell-ing (dear Nomy Lamm, I love you, you gorgeous creature).
Some of this crew are in town to celebrate Disability Awareness Month, performing excerpts from An Unshamed Claim To Beauty In The Face Of Invisibility at the Art Gallery of Ontario in the Weston Family Learning Centre on Saturday (March 17) at 7 pm.
There’s other disability activisty stuff happening alongside their work: ago.net/youth-events. So what’s your St. Patrick’s Day going to look like: you being vomited on by guys in novelty foam leprechaun hats, or you being blown away by some amazing performers FOR FREE? Your choice.
