Giving Santa a lap dance (and other ghosts of Office Parties Past)
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The first rule of any office party is don’t get shitfaced.
And the second rule of any office party is Don’t Get Shitfaced.
Cuz the third rule of any office party is Everybody Talks About Who Got Shitfaced.
To limit the likelihood of an inebriatus imbecillus outbreak – and thus limit the likelihood of somebody calling the boss a dick, or offering to suck his dick – I’ve heard rumours of alcohol-free office parties. Not parties with free alcohol, mind you, but parties free of alcohol, which I can’t imagine being any fun at all. Watching people hammer back jack-and-cokes and act like jackasses is the main reason to go to the office party. Otherwise, it’s too much like being at work.
Of course, shame-faced horror stories from the drunken prom of the work world abound, materializing each holiday season like the ghost of Office Parties Past. And thanks to cellphone cameras and YouTube, that lap dance you gave Santa will be preserved with perfect clarity no matter how strongly you insist “It wasn’t that bad!”
Here at NOW, our office parties are always memorable (when we can remember anything at all).
Employees have passed out and been locked in until morning.
Ass prints have been left on desk tops and underwear on doorknobs like kinky Christmas stockings waiting to be filled.
Employers have been puked on. Employers’ spouses have been puked on. Employers’ children have been puked on. NOW employees just can’t hold their liquor, it seems. (Employers and their families are now easily recognized by the plastic garbage bags they wear to the office party.)
Pot smoke has set off fire alarms and water sprinklers. (And, no, the boys in the fire department don’t want to share your J.)
We’ve killed beloved family pets – two of them, to be exact – and though they didn’t leave a note, eyewitness accounts suggest it was a double suicide (the holidays are rough on everybody, ya know).
And someone invariably makes out with a co-worker. Or a co-worker’s spouse. Or son. Or both. Although things like that can usually be attributed to a seemingly innocent mistletoe headband.
So in the spirit of the office holiday grope-athon, we offer some suggestions below.
10 tips for surviving your office party
1. Don’t treat the open bar like you’re at an ex’s wedding reception.
2. Don’t brag to the boss about how hard you work. And don’t allow your significant other to complain to the boss about how hard you work.
3. Don’t treat the office party like a singles bar. Just because you have a chance to show your co-workers another side of yourself doesn’t mean anyone wants to see it. Or touch it. And remember: what looks hot under the twinkle of tinsel and lights is still the washed-out office drone with the horrible laugh who will be sitting in the cubicle next to yours on Monday morning.
4. “Dress festive” does not mean “Anything that can be worn as lingerie or hung as holiday decoration.”
5. Don’t bring uninvited guests. If your guest acts like an ass, you look like an ass. (Your dealer is not an uninvited guest.)
6. Don’t talk shop. No one wants to hear you blather on about the TPS reports. Or how awesome you are at whatever it is you actually do.
7. Don’t dance on anything other than the floor. Better yet, don’t dance.
8. Don’t treat the buffet like it’s your last meal.
9. Don’t sit on Santa’s knee. Or anyone else’s.
10. Don’t say, “We should do this more often.” We’re not all buddy-buddy. Once a year is often enough to get drunk together.
