Hot and bothered

Saunas can really heat up high-rise living

Rating: NNNNN

I just want to increase the amount of happiness in the world. For my contribution, I offer a little advice on how a modern urban male can get laid.Here’s the upside of being packed into high-density areas like sardines: a lot of condo buildings and large apartment complexes have free saunas for their residents. I am totally sure the sauna was invented by a horny guy looking for a pretext to cruise other boys.

I found this out one frigid winter night when I was staying over at a friend’s condo. I complained about the cold, and he suggested I go downstairs and warm up in the sauna.

There I was, alone, nice and toasty, minding my own business and not bothering anybody, when in walked this godlike man. Handsome, muscular, in his mid-30s and clad only in a towel.

He didn’t say hello or even look at me. We sat there for a few minutes in silence, and then he suddenly dropped his towel and revealed a giant hard-on. I wasn’t immediately sure what to do but soon decided it was an invitation.

I got up, walked over and stood close to him. The light seemed to be green, so I made my move and went down on him. He was a very eager boy, and eventually very grateful. Before he left, he wanted me to know one thing: “I’m not the least bit gay,” he said. “I just do this once in a while because my wife gives lousy blow jobs.”

The next time I was over at my friend’s place, I couldn’t wait to take a sauna. When I arrived downstairs, I stripped, showered and opened door number three to find my potential double prize pack waiting.

There they were — two hot young guys in their 20s sitting close together, completely naked. One gave me a friendly but silent nod and the other just gave me the once-over. I sat down and, being careful not to stare, waited for a sign.

After a few minutes, the boys looked at me, then at each other, and began to kiss and grope. I watched and continued to wait for my cue. I got it when the friendly one gestured for me to join them. If I can’t win Lotto 6/49, a couple of hot, horny naked guys will do.

I thought I was really onto something with this sauna business. My friend noticed I was visiting more often and seemed to be cold a lot. Then came my second lesson about sauna cruising: interlopers. They can be anyone, young or old, pretty or not, who are just in the way.

I got my first lesson about just how annoying these intruders can be when I walked into the sauna one day to find a 30-something hot guy sitting by himself. I got comfortable and was just settling into cruise mode when the door to the sauna opened again and another guy came in.

He was on the younger side, but overweight and quite unattractive. He sat down right between us and dropped his towel. We all sat there quietly for the longest time. The hot guy kept staring at me, and once, when the other guy wasn’t looking, flashed me the hard-on he was hiding under his towel.

But there was nothing I could do. I didn’t want to have sex in front of the unwanted man, and I certainly didn’t want him to join us. I waited and waited and waited for him to get the hint and go away, but he never did — until finally, at the point of near collapse from heat exhaustion, the cute guy gave up and left.

That brings me to a few rules about cruising saunas. Rule number one: always wait for a cue to make a move. Never hit on anyone who isn’t obviously cruising you back. Rule number two: if you see two guys cruising each other, and not you, be polite and leave them alone to do their thing. There’s nothing worse than some asshole who sticks around till hell freezes over in the hopes he’ll get a show. Rule number three: don’t go every single night. Regulars get identified quickly, and it’s annoying to find the same guy in the sauna every time you go.

We’ve got some serious winter left. So spread a little joy in the world, go get warm and get laid.

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