Joni Mitchell is one of my favorite singers/songwriters.
One of her songs that has impinged upon my emotions for years, is Both Sides Now.
In it she chants:
“Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air. And feather canyons everywhere, I’ve looked at clouds that way. But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone. So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.”
More and more lately, I realize how truly practicable it is to look at life in two completely separate ways. Having always struggled with depression and anxiety, it’s a constant battle to stay positive. I’ve seen the fruits of my forward-looking labor.
There are days when I wake up, feeling I can do, and be anything I set my mind to, and days where I wonder if I have enough pills in my medicine cabinet for an eternal dirt nap.
I know throughout this Manbbatical, I’m supposed to learn to really love myself. Sometimes I do really believe that I’m awesome – a catch, even – and I know it’s all going to work out just fine. Other times it’s a mystery to me how I’ve got so many amazing friends whose love and support are unyielding. I offer a glimpse into my two-sided mind:
POSITIVE ME:
1. I have a lot of love to give.
2. I do what I love for my work.
3. I have an active social life, and would do anything for my friends.
4. I have a “joie do vivre”.
5. I’m a good daughter, aunt, and sister.
6. I appreciate art, music, comedy, etc.
7. I have the fortune of choice in almost everything I do (voting, appearance, career, sexuality, lifestyle…).
8. I have everything I need to live comfortably.
9. I am attractive.
10. I’m funny, and talented. I’ve had fantastic opportunities and worked with some of my idols.
NEGATIVE ME:
1. I’m needy and paranoid.
2. I’m not good at anything else, so I write a sexy blog, tell dick jokes, and act out words I’ve read from a page. I’m average at all of these things, at best.
3. I love to party above all else. I’m also a name-dropper. I don’t deserve the friends I have. I feel like I’ve pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes, and it’s just a matter of time until they realize it.
4. I eat too much, spend too much money, drink too much, smoke too much pot and cigarettes, do whatever I want, whenever I want, regardless of how it might affect other people.
5. I still borrow money from my parents. I didn’t even get my mom a card when she got married.
6. I sometimes download music illegally, get in to concerts or shows on guest lists, instead of just paying the small amount of money to the artists who so deserve it.
7. I take for granted all of the choices I have. I didn’t even vote in this last election. I don’t even volunteer anymore. I haven’t paid my taxes in a few years. I’m a parasite.
8. I have no assets. I live hand to mouth. The only way I get nice clothes, jewelry, or trips is through the generosity of my friends, lovers, or family.
9. I do nothing to improve my appearance but slap on make-up and hair-extensions. I barely go to the gym, and certainly not on a regular basis. I’d prefer to starve myself to lose weight than actually live a healthy lifestyle. I’m vain ad often use my looks or body to manipulate people to give me what I want.
10. I’ve used my charm to trick people into liking me, or thinking that I’m smart, or I’ve got talent. Once I get hired, I get lazy. I also get hired because I have a lot of friends in show-business, and often it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
How I look at my life, really makes all of the difference. Whatever I believe about myself is the truth. How can I expect to grow & learn if I can’t stand me & crucify myself over every mistake? How can I expect someone else to love me, if I can’t understand why they would? How can I consider their opinion of me if I don’t agree with it? How can I even begin to love someone else if I don’t have enough of a well of respect & compassion for my own self?
I’m just trying to be good. I’m really, really trying with this project, & to be the best version of myself that I can be. I want to fall asleep at night, thinking I genuinely did the best that I could.
Joni’s right: “Something’s lost but something’s gained in living every day…”
