Battling back from a ripped-out heart is a tough game. My last broken heart came when a four-year relationship ended with my girlfriend in the arms of my uncle, and me in a heap on the floor. I battled back triumphantly, taking about seven months to feel normal again, and began to be open to the possibility of someone new.
I learned how to be selective, believing I could somehow read the idiosyncrasies of a woman and instantly decide if she was someone I should be with. Some defence mechanisms are based on wishful thinking, but it was better than jumping right in or waiting until the levee broke. Besides, I was in no special hurry, and my friend with benefits got me through the dry spells.
I'm a straight male, but I found myself wondering whether communication would be easier between same-sex partners. Could I find a beautiful woman with the mind of a male?
Amazingly (and this is something I always seem to notice in hindsight), someone came along when I wasn't trying to read them, and off I went into a new journey, a new risk.
I'd known her for years. Mallory's a self-described gypsy, a natural beauty who cares about the intangibles and always does her best to be friendly and compassionate.
She's had a tough life in the past but, like me, always seems to find a way to battle back. Oh yeah, I should probably mention that for all intents and purposes, Mallory is a lesbian. Like me, she prefers curvaceous hips to well-hung studs.
But wait. Somehow Mallory is attracted to me, a guy with hair on his chest and a tendency to read the sports page and drink beer.
She's smooth from head to toe, reads tarot cards and drinks white wine. Her longest relationship was a three-year stint with Nancy, and before that it was two years with Carla. What the fuck is going on?
For some reason, we have sexual chemistry. She makes me feel like I should resist the urge to be aggressive and fuck like a madman. Instead, I try to imagine what a woman would do with her (one with a strap-on, of course) and maintain a sense of (gulp) sensitivity when we connect.
This is all new to both of us, but to her it is just frightening.
Mallory doesn't like men. She's not a man-hater, but she clearly appreciates and prefers the company of women. She refers to her new state of mind as a "grey area," a term that doesn't make me feel overly secure.
My last ex is thinking of having a child who will be my cousin. Did I mention that this could only happen to me?
How do I describe getting turned on by the thought of Mallory cheating? Is it even cheating when she'd be munching on the same thing I enjoy munching on? Is what I just said offensive?
Is it dangerous that I feel like I'm falling in love with her? What if one day I attend the graduation of my cousin whose mom is my ex with my lesbian lover on my arm? What if I'm on her arm? This is all so confusing.
Already, we've navigated some bumps in the road. She's clearly not as attracted to me as I am to her, and sometimes I think she's honestly repulsed.
She wants pussy, and since I don't have one, I have either to embark on my very first open relationship or cut loose before the teenager in me falls in a heap on the floor.
Until I decide, I'll have to make do with the grey area and remain ever so patient when I get the munchies. The levee is breaking and I'm about ready to swim. Wish me luck.