Last night was rigodamnediculous. How do I even begin to tell you?
Did I ever tell you I was gay, once? I was on tour with 2 of my closest girlfriends (whom I will call Crackers and Playa) and one woman who I didn’t really know, but with whom share many mutual friends.
She’s a lesbian. She’s cute. She’s (pretty) funny. At least I thought so at the time.
I was coming out of a helicoid of short relationships, and had absolutely had it with men. (With myself, really. Much easier to blame it on them, though, right?!?)
I could tell she liked me. I was flattered. My self-esteem was at a point so low where all that one needed to say to me, was that I was funny or pretty, and I was all theirs. So we ended up “dating”.
My close friends and family were as supportive as they could be – knowing that I wasn’t really gay, but simply hoping I was happy.
I really did give it my best college try. I liked her. I just couldn’t get into it. It’s an acquired taste. I’ve always found the female body painfully beautiful, and I love, love, love women. But I suppose sometimes love just ain’t enough. They don’t have penises, or balls. End of story.
Point being, I saw this “ex” last night. I saw her, and I saw my most recent ex-boyfriend whom I still painstakingly getting over. Seeing her shouldn’t have been a big deal, but after I broke up with her, she maligned me to anyone who would listen.
I had tried to be as honest and honorable with her as I could, I tried to let the shit-talk slide, but it became out of control. I never see her, but when I do, I feel extremely uncomfortable. It was all so childish. I don’t blame her. No one knows better than I, that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I’m just so used to being the woman.
Towards the end of the night, upon seeing my current crush (on top of everything else), I pretty much lost it. Emotion overcame me like a rogue wave. I began to cry! I felt like such an asshole. I think I smoked a pack of cigarettes on my ride home. Gross.
On a positive note, I had a conversation with two of my colleagues whose careers I very much admire. (They are both successful stand-up comics. Dudes.) Both of them admitted to me that in the past, they had deliberately taken breaks from dating, and women in general to focus on their respective vocation.One of them for 2 years, one of them for 3 years!
I was impressed – not only by their constant dedication, but also the result. I really really hate to say this, but sometimes I feel like it’s easier for my male-friends to focus on their careers, on themselves. They do it such a steadfast way.
Both of these men I’m referring to are very good-looking and I can’t foresee either one of them having any kind of difficulty getting women to fall I love with them.
I ended up driving some of my girlfriends home last night, and the whole drive we talked about boys. Do men do that? I’m lucky to have many male friends, but I’m sure when I’m with them, the dynamic/conversation is different from when they are alone. Don’t misunderstand: it’s not all we girls talk about. We do talk about it a lot, though. By no means am I saying my male friends are generally more driven or more successful.
But is it easier for men to turn their brains off of love?
Read more of my Manbbatical here.
