Confucius once said, “He who learns but does not think, is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.”
I think I am in great danger.
I feel as though every lesson I was trying desperately to grasp throughout the first six months of the Manbbatical have taken a serious beating. They now lay motionless, quiet, and bloody – unwilling to get up again and fight the good fight.
The reason I began the dating-intermission was because I kept falling in love with the wrong men: men who were consumed by their careers, philanderers, unwilling to committers, party-animals, and general heartbreakers.
That said, (most of them) were extremely talented, charming, witty, and sexy dudes. I wanted to get to the bottom of my poor decision making skills in regards to lovers or boyfriends. I wanted to get to know myself better, learn to really accept and love who I am and what I have to offer.
Eventually I thought I might be able to choose a stable partner who can give me what I want (and vice versa).
I was getting there.
I knew pursuing a crush would lead to emotional pandemonium. Sleeping with a guy I was partying with wouldn’t have added anything to my life but maybe an orgasm or two. I dodged a few bullets. I was feeling good about myself. Strong, unhampered. I fantasized that I might actually get to share my life with someone, start my own family, and have a real relationship that “works”. No more lusting after dudes in the public eye (it gets complicated very easily), no more equating men’s talent to the size of their heart, no more comics (it’s just too fucking messy, and it NEVER ends well…).
I was to be through with men who are wasting my time, sitting on the fence of responsibilities and vows… through with game playing, mind reading and fighting. Done with fucking drunkenly and vacantly. If I’m going to be with someone – I want to BE with them. I realize it takes time to get to know someone, and you have to be patient and perceptive before making life choices, together.
I’m living in fear that I’ll never fall in love with the “right” man. My most recent crush isn’t an ideal choice, for me. For an array of (private) reasons, he is going through some emotionally challenging times, and isn’t looking to be in a relationship. He’s also been married a couple of times, and has a few children. Why would he want to get into a trifecta of familial civics? Not to mention the fact that he lives across the continent, is a celebrity, and is a comedian.
(I realize I’m not supposed to be focusing on a relationship or a man during the Manbbatical, but I can’t help it- I have pretty deep-rooted feelings for him now. It’s too late.)
I also feel like he could get any woman he wanted, so I can’t help but wonder why it is, exactly, that he would want to spend so much time with me. (I know it’s my low self-esteem talking, but it speaks loudly, and sometimes I can’t drown out its disparaging voice…)
There are so many reasons why this could end badly, for me. I know I’m being negative, suffocating a potential relationship before it’s even had a chance to take its first breath. I’m just so scared to live through another heartbreak. He’s so awesome in so many ways. There are so many reasons to adore him. Maybe I just feel like he’s too good to be true, and I’ve found him at the exact wrong time?
What if I can never get it together? We’ve spoken about it, and we decided that the fact that we have 6 whole months (left of the Manbbatical) to figure out what this actually is (between us), and get to know each other better is a real blessing.
Acid eats away at my guts and heart when I think there’s a good possibility that him and I could turn out to be nothing, and I will have learned nothing, this year. The verifiable truth that I’m so consumed with him and our “non-relationship” during this time that’s meant to be dedicated to myself alone, shows my resistance to unearth my potential and/or successes. He has said to me that I may be attracted to him for the wrong reasons. Whatever my reasons are, they seem more powerful than my common sense.
I need to pump the brakes. I need to see him for who he really is with me. I need to see myself more conspicuously. I have the time and the space to do so.
As the Jedi Master Yoda wisely pronounced, “Do, or do not. There is no ‘try’.”
It’s difficult for me to write this, knowing that he might read it. If I’m going to be honest in my posts, I can’t play my cards close to my chest with him. It might be a turn-off for him. I have to write what I have to write. I hope he understands.
