Advertisement

Lifestyle

Queer Quips

How do you identify?

DAVID BATEMAN reading at Glad Day Monday (June 24) as part of Proud Voices’ Poetrix.

Queer-ish/gay/bi/femme/bear lover.

MARIKO TAMAKI co-hosting Am I Right, Ladies? at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre on Saturday (June 22)

I’m “such a lez.” More of an adjective than an identity per se.

ELIZABETH RUTH reading and talking with Shyam Selvadurai and Lydia Perovic on Tuesday (June 25) at Another Story Bookshop

Quantum femme. Writer. Outlaw mom. A little bit ruthless.

ANDREA ZANIN reading erotica at Glad Day Bookshop June 30

Gender-fluid queer poly pervert. For starters.

GAVIN CRAWFORD performing his solo show Sh**ting Rainbows today (Thursday, June 20) and Friday (June 21) performing in Truth/Dare Wednesday (June 26) and June 27, both at Buddies

An “eel.” That’s my term for a thin, slippery gay man of a certain age. I’d like to be queer but my beard doesn’t grow in fast enough.

S. BEAR BERGMAN at Family Pride June 29 and 30 reading at Proud Voices at Glad Day Books June 29 hosting the Trans Stage June 30

Storyteller, passport-carrying queer National, trans-curmudgeon and happy papa.

DJ COZMIC CAT spinning at Cherry Bomb Pride Summer Beach Sensation!, June 29 at Revival at U Of T Pride Pub at Hart House Quad June 20 Cue Poc Pride Party at the Gladstone, June 21

Card-carrying Lesbyterian.

SHOSHANA SPERLING performing at the Queer Family Brunch with her rock band for kids, the Monkey Bunch, Sunday (June 23) at the Gladstone Hotel and with Teresa Pavlinek in Am I Right, Ladies? Saturday (June 22) at BuddiesPoetrix.

A bi-queerious, Jewish mother warrior, activist from Regina with dual citizenship who wears an E cup.


Does it really get better?

Not fast enough. – Elizabeth Ruth

Sort of. It does get funnier. – Mariko Tamaki

It did for me. It doesn’t for everyone. And when middle-class gender-normative white dudes start waving the It Gets Better flag, I want to hide under the bed until they stop. – S. Bear Bergman

For some of us, yes. For some not so much. It’s the first group’s job, karmically, I think, to do everything in our power to improve things with the second in mind. – Andrea Zanin

It does, certainly. Then your joints start to go. – Gavin Crawford

queerquips2_large.jpg

It definitely gets better, but only if you use butter. – DJ Cozmic Cat


Favourite Pride accessory?

queerquips3_large.jpg

Mandarin vodka. – David Bateman

A large audience. Gavin Crawford

A hot-pink tampon – very stylish. – Mariko tamaki

My son. He has boundless enthusiasm for Pride, still. – S. Bear Bergman

Water bottle! Not coincidentally, this is also the answer to the eternal pervert Pride dilemma: how to wear leather in July without dying of heat exhaustion. – Andrea Zanin

My depraved sense of humour. – DJ Cozmic Cat

Sunscreen and Sabreena Jalees. – Shoshana Sperling


queerquips4_large.jpg

Imagine what else is on the Rob Ford video.

Rob Ford doing the opening dance number from Chicago. A girl can dream. – Shoshana Sperling

Rob making out with the crack dealers. – David Bateman

I was told there was a romantic kiss, set to Queen’s We Are the Champions. Maybe I’m thinking of a different video. – Mariko Tamaki

Easy: the only thing left he hasn’t (allegedly) done: he gropes the two pandas he recently welcomed to the Toronto Zoo. – Elizabeth Ruth

It’s probably some long rant about how talented I am and how he finds that frustrating… but I’m just speculating. – Gavin Crawford

I’d really rather not. – Andrea Zanin


What would you say to your high school bully?

Meh. I don’t talk to wastes of space. Too busy with fabulous people. – Andrea Zanin

You look like your mom in your Facebook profile picture. – Mariko Tamaki

Neener, neener, neener. – S. Bear Bergman

Tracy, Tracy, Tracy…. I thought you were mean for no reason. But I am so onto you now, with your brush cut and your 25 piercings and the way you swaggered through the halls like you owned the place. Couldn’t keep your hands off me, eh? That compass needle you stuck in my backside was just wishful thinking, honey. I don’t regret my retaliation for that one: Windex in your face got us both sent to the principal’s office, but you’re the one who cried like a baby. A baby butch. Poor thing. – Elizabeth Ruth

Thanks for the career. – Gavin Crawford

I forgive your ignorance. Now fill it with unleaded. – Shoshana Sperling

Let’s dance. – David Bateman


queerquips5_large.jpg

Do you wish you’d had better sex education?

What, you mean, a half-hour anatomy lesson on the functions of the penis while completely ignoring the clitoris is not good enough? – Elizabeth Ruth

No. I’m exceptionally proud of my Canadian sex education. I know where the uterus is and everything. – Mariko Tamaki

No. I was fortunate to receive a fantastic sex education in the Montreal French- language high school system in the early 90s. The rest of the country needs to take a page from that book. (nudge) Hey, Kathleen? (nudge) – Andrea Zanin

I got my sex education online in the early days of AOL from high femmes and bathhouse faggots, so it was idiosyncratic but exceptionally thorough. I eventually wished some other people had gotten better sex education (which is ultimately why I started teaching trans-focused sex ed classes), but that’s another story. – S. Bear Bergman

I wish they’d told me that when you have makeup sex with your partner, the lipstick gets fucking everywhere. – DJ Cozmic Cat

I would have liked them to mention that a few of us won’t wanna do any of the things they were talking about. But I took some extracurriculars and it turned out fine. – Gavin Crawford

My sex education consisted of a stack of feminist fiction from my mother. I skipped Judy Blume and went right to Jeanette Winterson. – Shoshana Sperling

Yes, better sex and better education. – David Bateman


Best Pride moment

queerquips6_large.jpg

I was busting up Yonge wearing a tutu and tank boots, carrying an armload of children’s books, a pair of shorts and a shirt on my way for a quick change and children’s reading at Glad Day. I saw Ryan G. Hinds coming down Yonge, also wearing one costume and carrying another. His shoes: killer platforms. We didn’t even have time to stop, we just air-kissed as we passed like two very gay ships in the night. – S. Bear Bergman

Dressed as a French maid in the parade on heels for four hours without breaking my ankle. – David Bateman

Way back before Pride became Happy Bank Of Montreal Day, I was on the roof of Buddies with a bunch of amazing women – I think it was Sonja Mills, Sarah Stanley, Moynan King, Lisa Brooke, Kate Huband, to name a few – and we were all pretty topless as we watched the parade. – Shoshana Sperling

queerquips7_large.jpg

Meeting my partner, Mitch, for the first time at Toronto Pride 2007. He was on stilts. And wearing very short leather shorts. Really, what more could you ask? – Andrea Zanin

Advertisement

Exclusive content and events straight to your inbox

Subscribe to our Newsletter

This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

By signing up, I agree to receive emails from Now Toronto and to the Privacy Policy and Terms & Conditions.

Recently Posted