Rating: NNNNN
Tired of condom makers who promise to make the earth move? Want the real lowdown? In this rubber review, sexy lab assistants test and rank a variety of condoms and tell you exactly what they think.
When buying condoms (for sex shop info, see T.O. Sex Resources), its worth it to talk to a salesperson who can help you find the proper size (not everyones an XL) and style. Buy singles or a package of two and test them before getting a whole box. And though this survey covers condoms only, dont forget gloves. Theyre great for the obvious reasons, for dress-up fun and for dealing with the rough edges on your hands.
Bone appetit!
TROJAN MAGNUM XL
Length: 205 mm
Width: 54-65 mm
Thickness: 0.07 mm
Available: sex shops
12-pack approx $23
Currently the largest condom on the market in terms of length and girth, the Trojan Magnum XL is made of durable latex and unfortunately is on the thicker side, making it less sensitive.
Jack & Jill say:
Too rubbery, like a balloon! (Rank: 4th out of 7)
Batman & Robin:
We didn’t try this one. Sniff, sniff.
Thelma & Louise:
Great for large dildos, and easy to get on and off. It smelled really rubbery, though, and tasted bad. (Rank: 1st out of 7)
PLEASURE PLUS
Length: 210 mm
Width: 65 mm
Thickness: 0.07 mm
Available: sex shops
3-pack approx $7 12-pack approx $20
Condom as sex toy! The Pleasure Plus has a textured pouch meant to sit over the frenulum (the underside of the penis), where the majority of nerve endings are found. The shape works nicely for men who have a larger penis head.
Jack & Jill
Noticeably chemical-tasting, which made it distracting. (Rank: 3rd)
Batman & Robin:
Unless your pet name for your cock is Quasimodo, what’s with the hump? The pleasure pouch was a turn-off. You could fit your dick and lunch money in this thing. (Rank: 7th)
Thelma & Louise:
Smelled horrible and tasted even worse. The pouch to add extra sensation obviously did nothing for the girl with the dildo. (Rank: 4th)
SAGAMI TYPE E
Length: 200 mm
Width: 53 mm
Thickness: 0.06 mm
Available: sex shops
12-pack approx $18
The benefits of these pricey Japanese-designed condoms are thinness, the ribs and dots and the green colour — which I guess could be a turn-on or turn-off, depending on whether you’re easy being with green.
Jack & Jill:
Ouch. It felt like a desensitizing cock ring. All pressure, no pleasure. (Rank: 6th)
Batman & Robin:
We don’t think textured condoms should be used anally.
Thelma & Louise:
Nice and thin, but we couldn’t feel the dots or ribs. (Rank: 3rd)
DUREX AVANTI
Length: 180
Width: 60 mm
Thickness: 0.04 mm
Available: drug stores and sex shops
2-pack approx $8, 5-pack approx $15
One of the first safe non-latex condoms, the polyurethane Avanti is thinner yet stronger than latex, which jacks up the price. This little wonder transfers heat with friction. When you try it on, don’t think you’ve gone down a size. This condom’s made wider due to its inability to stretch like latex.
Jack & Jill
The best condom ever made, totally worth the extra dough. (Rank: 1st)
Batman & Robin:
Strong, thin. Polyurethane — now there’s a sexy word. (Rank: 2nd)
Thelma & Louise:
Didn’t smell or taste bad, but had a very plastic feel. (Rank: tied for 5th)
HARDCOVER
Length:185-285 mm
Width: 52-84 mm (XL)
Thickness: 0.5-0.6 mm
Available: sex shops
approx $1.50 each
Scented, coloured, flavoured and made of latex, yet without a rubbery smell, these are said to need more lube, which tends to dry up faster than on other condoms. Some dislike the taste, although there are lots of flavours.
Jack & Jill
Smelled like a lollipop, tasted like a condom. (Rank: 5th)
Batman & Robin:
Amazing! Felt like we were bare-backing. They did smell like bubble gum, but unfortunately had no taste. (Rank: 1st)
Thelma & Louise:
Not good for penetration, because too much sugar can cause yeast infections. Great for blow jobs, though, but way too sweet and rubbery. You’ll need a coffee afterwards. (Rank: tied for 5th)
LIFESTYLES XTRA PLEASURE
Length: 190 mm
Width: 52-80 mm
Thickness: 0.07 mm
Available: drug stores and sex shops
12-pack approx $26 (metal tin)
Like the Pleasure Plus, it’s a fab fit for mushroom heads. More space also means more friction, resulting in more pleasure for both parties.
Jack & Jill:
Xtra pleasure, eh? He says, “Not so good.” She says, “It’s about as good as latex gets.” (Rank: 3rd)
Batman & Robin:
Oversized tip actually feels like a Glad baggy. Felt like my partner was wearing a condom. (Rank: 3rd)
Thelma & Louise:
The extra tip room didn’t make a difference. The size was all right, and it didn’t taste bad or smell. (Rank: 2nd)
REALITY CONDOM
Length: 170 mm
Width: 76 mm
Thickness: N/A
Available: drug stores and sex shops
3-pack approx $15
This condom for women is said to work for anal sex as well, but has yet to be approved. The Reality is also polyurethane, making it 40 times stronger than latex and user-friendly for those with latex allergies. It covers some labia, protecting against skin-to-skin STDs like genital warts. It’s quite expensive, though, and is said to make a fair bit of noise.
Jack & Jill
Complicated to use and kind of ridiculous. Very uncomfortable for both parties. Strangely oily, too. Yuck! (Rank: 7th)
Batman & Robin:
Man + Man doesn’t equal woman.
Thelma & Louise:
Like trying to fuck in a loose plastic bag. Couldn’t feel anything through it except for the annoying ring at the top. It got in the way for oral sex, needed lots of lube and was extremely hard to get in place. Distracting during sex because it sounded like a plastic bag being crinkled. (Rank: 7th)
With files from Come as You Are’s Cory Silverberg
