according to dorothy parker, "Brevity is the soul of lingerie." Upon delivering this bon mot, I'm planning to model my new G-string. But Con beats me to the limelight by asking, "Have you guys tried ESO?""It stands for extended sexual orgasm," Con says, slurping at the Om Shanti shake she picked up at Juice for Life on her way home from work. "But really it's more like a method to extend the amount of your orgasms."
"Multiple orgasms? How many?" Wanda says.
"Serial," I correct. "They call them serial orgasms now. Breakfast of Champions."
"So it's a way of achieving serial orgasms?" Wanda persists.
"Yeah," Con continues, "a way to have more orgasms by understanding that each one is a peak and that the so-called valley is just waiting to go up the hill again."
Wanda furrows her brow.
"You think of yourself as still coming during that valley time," Con explains, "and then do what you gotta to ascend again. It's that knowledge that brings you off."
Wanda looks puzzled. "So what do you mean exactly when you say, "Do what you gotta to ascend again'?"
"Well, like, what turns you on, Wanda?" Con asks. "You know, tongue on your clit. Or images. Like maybe workmen with erections under their tool belts, or soft breasts with hard nipples, or horses with giant hard-ons...."
"Horses?" Wanda says. "And this sort of thing makes you come repeatedly?"
"All sorts of things."
"What's the most you've ever had in one go, Con?" I ask.
"Twenty, maybe. You?"
"I usually lose count, but once I got almost to 30. But they diminish as they grow in number. For me, anyway. So really, I'd rather settle for the first couple of full and intense ones than go on to have a bunch of baby ones."
"I only have one," Wanda announces.
"And one can be sufficient," I say.
"Sometimes I don't even have one," Wanda says. "It depends on the guy."
"No," Rose says, "it depends on you."
"You mean, if I think about horse penises..." Wanda says with a note of disgust in her voice.
"Orangutans if you like," Con smiles. Wanda looks a little pale at the thought.
"And how does ESO go with pregnancy?" Rose asks Con.
"Because you tire easily, you don't try to break any records," says Con. "But," Con coos, "they massage the baby with pulsations that make your entire enlarged womb contract." She smooths her hands over the fuchsia stretchy frock that covers her six-month-ripe belly. "I think of orgasms as pleasurable rehearsals for labour," she gushes, then pushes me for details about my contractions and their comparison to orgasms.
"Well, yes," I begin, treading the territory carefully, "each orgasm you have when pregnant is like a mini-rehearsal for labour -- rocking and massaging the baby, preparing it for the big ride out."
"Well," Rose interjects, pouring her fourth glass of wine, "orgasms are like contractions -- if you're having sex with an elephant!"
Wanda lets out a shriek: "Horses, orangutans, elephants! You guys are sick."
But it's Con who's blanching now. "Look, Con," I say, snatching the bottle away from Rose, "it's like two sides of the same coin: climax/contraction; pleasure/pain; little death/big life."
The last comparison gets her back on track. "I've heard of women climaxing when the head crowns. Did you?" she asks.
"No. But the earth did move. It is the greatest high, every bit as great as having sex, but better because you've got this amazing new being there -- clamped onto your nipple...."
"What a blast!" Con screams. "It's gonna be a blast!" She raises her shake and we follow with our wine glasses. "To the blast," we say in unison.
Then I pull down my pants to show them not so much my sparkly new G-string as my stretch marks, little silky lilac testimonies to the three wonders I've carried and birthed. The women marvel.