There are times when sex feels like the best revenge
I’m a happy girl. a loving girl. and I have an idea for this summer that will make you happy and loving, too. It’s a new take on revenge. Screw your enemies. Literally. I’ve always been the kind of person who sleeps with her friends it had never really crossed my mind that it would be less complicated, and perhaps a higher calling, to lie down with those I can’t stand.
Revenge has great potential in the sex department. You can’t do better for passion. And you know the saying “Kill ’em with kindness”? What could be kinder than a little roll in the hay? Even the Bible says to love your enemies.
Now, if you’re one of those silly people whose enemies are your exes and your lovers’ exes, then maybe it’s not such a good suggestion. But for other enemies it should work miracles for your soul and your sex life. You’ll feel better about yourself, and you’ll feel more for others.
There are some obstacles. I have few true enemies, and the ones I do have make sense. They hurt me, or we hurt each other. Deeply. Our enmity is both logical and acceptable. The three people in question are enemies I would never screw because I truly despise them, and that would be plain unhealthy. I would also never screw such enemies as the George Bushes, Ralph Klein, Ernie Eves or any ex-employers, for reasons both political and visual that I hope are obvious.
Oh, but there are plenty of lesser enemies. And most importantly, the Stranger Enemies.
For example. There’s this dyke in the community who hates my guts, and we’ve barely even spoken to each other. Every time we’re introduced she pretends it’s the first time. When I say hello she ignores me. It’s gotten to the point that I actually care about it, and I think that’s when someone becomes your Stranger Enemy. Because, of course, someone can’t be your enemy unless you feel something for them.
Mostly these Stranger Enemies tend to be women, which is bad because I generally like women. Which is good because I like to screw women specifically.
Lifelong analysis has led me to believe that the hatred Stranger Enemies feel stems from competition, something girls are taught at a young age. “Rip out her hair – it’s prettier than yours and she’ll get farther in life.” “She won the science fair? Maim her at recess or she’ll catch a man before you.” But I’m not competing with them if only they’d notice. I want to be on their team. Perhaps if I screw them I finally will be.
So here’s my plan. Next time she ignores me, I’ll grab her and plant a luscious kiss on her lips. The best kiss she’s ever had maybe. Then she’ll kiss me back. And it’s hot. So we fuck. She comes five times, I come four, and eight hours later she holds up a white flag. Truce.
Ah, forgiveness, reconciliation, wet wet peace.
I realize this idea could backfire. What if my enemy falls in love with me? What do you do with an enemy who turns into an admirer/stalker? Or worse yet, what if my enemy stays my enemy but I fall in love with her? What if every time she ignores me it breaks my heart?
It’s a risk I’m willing to take to improve my soul and to honour sluts everywhere who know that fucking is a form of global healing. I will lick and suck and fuck the bits of all my beautiful enemies in the name of bettering this society. In the pursuit of peace.
Now I’m really beginning to wish I had more enemies. Perhaps at last I’ll get off my ass and become a real bitch.