Rating: NNNNN
So the other night I’m watching Queer As Folk, and the two friends who are now boyfriends are seated at a kitchen table littered with dildos. They then proceed to teach Lacy all they know about fellatio, so her new boyfriend will regard her as the ultimate sex goddess or something like that. And this got me thinking, “What is it about the blow job that makes the straight man so crazy?” OK, I know, stupid question. Because, believe me, I appreciate a little oral attention as much as the next guy – just maybe not as much as the guy next to him, who apparently regards this activity as the Holy Grail, the Rapture and the Stanley Cup rolled into one. Simply talking about it evokes in some men a Pavlovian response, an almost autistic catatonia, a retarding palsy. What makes them so crazy is the belief that they’ve finally touched Divinity, and like religious zealots, they’ll surrender all (friends, hobbies, TV) for the sake of worshipping the Goddess of Polish.
This got me to pondering the powerful tool that is the blow job, its victims and masters. For there’s one thing you can be sure of: if a woman is leading a man by his penis, it’s usually with her mouth.
On more than one occasion, I’ve witnessed (and have definitely been) a young guy with verbal diarrhea talking about how great his new girlfriend is. Usually sounds a little like this: “Well, she’s a little high-maintenance. She doesn’t like me hanging out with friends, which is why I can’t stay for the second period. Besides, I promised I’d make her dinner for our three-week anniversary tonight. But, man, the oral is amazing!”
These are the relationships that usually end in tears, restraining orders and therapy. Good fun. So why do some men continue to subject themselves to such grief for the sake of a good hummer? Well, it has to be one of two things – his weakness or her talent.
Now, there are definitely some weak men, but I’ve also seen many a good man crippled by the right succubus, the talented temptress who’s more demon or vampire than human. Don’t get me wrong – I’m well aware that the incubus also exists. I’ve just never dated one, which makes me unqualified to comment.
But male or female, the sexual vampire exists, and they’re all to be avoided. What makes this difficult is the fact that without previous experience, you can never identify the vampire until it’s too late.
I saw the light while sitting on the couch not so much listening to as watching my ex-girlfriend talk. Any words she might have been saying dissolved into something resembling a bleat. Sort of like “meh meh meh meh etc.” I watched her and wondered how a mouth so generous could be so hateful and self-absorbed. And why hadn’t I noticed this before? I remember thinking, “Christ, she sucked me so hard, she swallowed my soul. My god, she’s a soul sucker.”
Then there’s the married man. I don’t know many, but most I’ve associated with have made it painfully clear that marriage reduces oral pleasure to a distant dream. Why? I realize it’s not like cunnilingus (like kissing the sweetest of lips), and I realize it’s perhaps mechanically difficult and physically demanding (all that whiplash and gag reflex), but good god! I mean, no one expects it all the time, but never?
It’s hard to avoid the conclusion that once a guy’s committed, the act is no longer necessary. I’ve even heard of guys whose wives have actually convinced them that oral is only for single people, that it has no place in marriage. The lesson? Never get married. I mean, what’s the point of getting hitched if you’re just going to wind up emasculated?
OK, maybe that’s a little extreme, but one thing’s for certain: male or female, straight or gay, the use of sex or a particular act to usurp, maintain or wield power sucks (so to speak). It makes us soulless shells of our former selves or suspicious of anyone with a skilled tongue. And where does that leave the real victims? The sincere, sexy, wonderful women (like Lacy) who learn to be adept at the art simply because they love their man, love sex and love giving head?
Well, if there’s any justice they’ll wind up with men who will appreciate their woman’s talents and take the time to learn a few a tricks of their own.
