Rating: NNNNN
SCARIEST QUALITIES
Alien: Acid blood, retractable jaw.
Predator: Heat-detecting vision, endless arsenal of wrist blades and bombs.
Cage: Retractable hairline, ability to chew up scenery.
WORST RECENT MOVIE (OR TV SHOW) you’ve SEEN
Alien: The Queen. It wasn’t what I was expecting.
Predator: Dateline’s To Catch A Predator. Talk about false advertising.
Cage: The Da Vinci Code. Wow, what a total National Treasure rip-off!
HOW HAS THE WRITERS’ STRIKE AFFECTED YOU?
Alien: Not much. There are only so many ways you can squeal.
Predator: My dialogue’s all improvised.
Cage: It’s a conspiracy, man, that goes all the way back to the signing of the Declaration Of Independence!
MOST ANTICIPATED UPCOMING MOVIE
Alien: Vantage Point. Apparently, that beeaatch Sigourney Weaver’s in it.
Predator: There Will Be Blood, obviously. But movies aren’t the same without Ah-nald.
Cage: Who has time to watch this shit? I’m too busy cranking out masterpieces like The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider and Next!
WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK WITH?
Alien: I’d love to face-hug with Jessica Alba, but I hear she’s already pregnant.
Predator: Those girls from ’Da Kink In My Hair. My dreads need some love.
Cage: Hey, guys, do you think I can star in the next AVP sequel?
