The worst films of 2018

From yet another unnecessary Harry Potter prequel to stupid movies featuring Mark Walberg or Jennifer Garner or Bruce Willis wielding guns, here are the year's cinematic stinkers


It’s awards season, and you should definitely check out gems like Roma, Widows and even Green Book. On the other hand, if these movies show up on your screen – everything from unnecessary sequels and remakes to embarrassing vanity projects – press delete. Here, in alphabetical order, are the year’s biggest film fails.


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Birthmarked

Toni Collette and Matthew Goode are married behavioural scientists raising three children in direct opposition to their genetic inclinations, and that premise should lead to something a lot more entertaining than Emanuel Hoss-Desmarais’s excruciatingly dull comedy. NW


Death Wish

Bruce Willis stars as Paul Kersey in DEATH WISH, a Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures film.

Death Wish

Someone check if Eli Roth received donations from the NRA. His asinine remake stars Bruce Willis as a man who is unable to protect his family from a violent home invasion. Willis’s Paul Kersey learns soon after how much he can accomplish by legally purchasing a semi-automatic rifle. RS

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Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

Eddie Redmayne gazes at a cute magical creature in Fantastic Beats: The Crimes Of Grindelwald.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald

How long we can go on pretending we actually care about the new characters in the Fantastic Beasts franchise? Their frustrating and convoluted roundabout adventures hammer us with so much uninspiring info, all so we can eventually confirm that yes, indeed, these people are in some small way connected to the Harry Potter movies. Just re-watch the fucking Harry Potter movies.RS

The 15:17 To Paris

Clint Eastwood celebrates the three young Americans who stopped a gunman’s assault on a passenger train from Amsterdam to Paris by letting the actual individuals play themselves in his leaden re-creation of the event. They can’t act and he doesn’t direct them, resulting in a thoroughly unengaging hour and a half of cinema. NW


happytime

Melissa McCarthy pauses to think of a better line than the one in the script.

The Happytime Murders

“A private-eye story where a felt detective and a human cop team up to catch a serial killer… of puppets! It’s 48 Hrs meets Who Framed Roger Rabbit! It writes itself!” Yeah, it doesn’t. NW

I Feel Pretty

If it weren’t for Michelle Williams as an eerily detached sexy baby-voiced cosmetics exec, Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein’s beauty industry satire – about an insecure woman (Amy Schumer) who becomes convinced she’s model hot and starts succeeding at life – would have missed the mark entirely. Naturally it ends with Schumer giving an incomprehensible speech about inner beauty to a giant crowd that poignantly includes every major character in the film. Spoiler alert: just learn to love yourself… and never question capitalism!  KR

Insidious: The Last Key

If you like movies… where people walk… into dark rooms… and wait for something to jump out at them… NW


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Kings

Kings

I really feel for Deniz Gamze Ergüven. The young French-Turkish director behind Mustang tried for something daring with this absurd comedy about the L.A. riots. Unfortunately, daring can often be stupid. RS


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Life Itself

In an interview with TooFab, This Is Us creator Dan Fogelman blamed the negative reviews Life Itself got on the critical community’s demographic: white male critics he described as cynical. While it’s true that most film critics are white males, it’s cynical to think that women and POC would be more susceptible to syrupy, cringe-inducing and emotionally exploitative takes on the mysteries of life.   RS

Little Italy

A pandering knock-off of My Big Fat Greek Wedding made a decade and a half too late, filled with et’nic caricatures, by people who should know better. My dog took a spectacular dump in front of Hayden Christensen while they were shooting this, so I guess we’re even. NW


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Murray Close Courtesy of STXfilms

Mark Wahlberg stars as Ground Branch officer Jimmy Silva in MILE 22

Mile 22

Hey, wanna spend $14 to watch Mark Wahlberg and Peter Berg indulge each other’s worst impulses? The creators of Lone Survivor, Deepwater Horizon and Patriots Day go all in on military fetishism and motor-mouthed I-told-you-sos in this well-made but utterly empty dark-ops thriller. NW

The Nutcracker And The Four Realms

The Nutcracker’s jaw broke when Disney tried to shove the Alice In Wonderland formula down its throat. RS


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Peppermint

I’m surprised Donald Trump hasn’t tweeted his love for Peppermint and its xenophobic fear-mongering. The dumbed-down action movie extravaganza pits Jennifer Garner’s avenging angel against an MS-13-like gang that murdered her husband and their young daughter. At an amusement park! On her birthday! While she’s holding an ice cream cone! Animals! RS


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The Rachel Divide

Laura Brownson’s documentary about Rachel Dolezal, who became president of a local NAACP chapter and then was outed as a white woman who pretends to be Black, is embarrassing, exploitative and unproductive. Purportedly a film exploring race in America, it ends up feeling like part of the problem, as Dolezal refuses to acknowledge the harm and social isolation she’s bringing to her children – largely through continued media coverage. Watching this, it’s hard not to feel complicit. KR


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Sherlock Gnomes

You know what’s elementary, dear Watson? That 2011’s Gnomeo & Juliet didn’t need a goofy sequel to riff on yet another literary property, especially when it has as much mystery and spontaneity as a Scooby-Doo episode. GS


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Courtesy of Amazon Studios

Tilda Swinton stars as Madame Blanc in Luca Guadagnino’s remake of 70s horror classic Suspiria.

Suspiria

Luca Guadagnino somehow turns Dario Argento’s acid-trip horror classic into a sentimental and sanctimonious investigation into post-Second World War German history. Not only is this film devoid of stakes, Guadagnino even bungles the cheap lesbian tension between Tilda Swinton and Dakota Johnson. Were they not speaking to each other on set? KR

Venom

“But it broke $800 million worldwide!” So did Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice. That was garbage, too. NW


winchester

Ben King

Helen Mirren, appreciating the atmosphere.

Winchester

If you like movies… where people walk… into dark rooms… and wait for something to jump out at them… this is the one with Helen Mirren in it. NW

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