What’s the point of reading about the Oscars if you didn’t watch them to begin with? This year’s show had one of the smallest audiences ever – and besides, the best bits are all on YouTube.
Well, this ain’t no Oscar autopsy. Sure, there were touching highs, including Once’s Markéta Irglová returning to the stage to give her orchestra-interrupted acceptance speech for best song.
And some truly bizarre lows, including John Travolta’s chia hair, although most were mercifully confined to the Twilight Zone red carpet, where Gary Busey gnawed on Jennifer Garner’s neck and Ryan Seacrest asked a preggers Jessica Alba if she plans to breastfeed.
Host Jon Stewart fired more hits than misses, the best shot being when he joked that Hillary Clinton called Away From Her, about a woman with Alzheimer’s who forgets her husband, the “feel-good movie of the year.”
But the funniest moment of the night – on any channel – came during Jimmy Kimmel’s annual post-Oscar special with guest Ben Affleck.
Kimmel’s running joke, in which he apologizes for bumping Matt Damon because he ran out of time, resulted in last month’s hilarious music video by Kimmel’s comedian girlfriend, Sarah Silverman, called I’m Fucking Matt Damon, which also starred the Bourne actor (and very good sport).
In the ultimate revenge fuck, Kimmel topped Silverman (and probably bottomed her, too!) with a video of his own. I’m Fucking Ben Affleck features a topless Kimmel and a nipple-pinching Mr. Garner (an even better sport) decked out in a skin-tight iridescent green T-shirt and jean cutoffs crooning about Kimmel’s Afflection for Ben.
Kimmel turns the song into a wailing We Are The World homage that includes Brad Pitt, Don Cheadle, Robin Williams, McLovin, Lance Bass, Josh Groban, Huey Lewis (sans the News), Joan Jett, Cameron Diaz, Meat Loaf, Macy Gray and a scene-stealing Harrison Ford, who also appears to have been fucking Ben Affleck.
Anyone who saw Indiana Crone’s cadaverous appearance as an Oscar presenter earlier in the night would be shocked that he even has a sense of humour. (Doesn’t the Academy know that the Oscars are no country for old men?) About the only person missing from I’m Fucking Ben Affleck was Busey-bait Garner, (presumably) the only person actually fucking Affleck.
That Kimmel and Affleck continued the joke during their post-video sitdown, in what was the most overt yet least offensive display of celebrity fawning ever on a talk show, made the bit even more outrageously funny. Say what you want about Affleck the actor, the guy’s got a sense of humour.
Hilarity like that is enough to make you forget the return of Saturday Night Live the night before. Its watercooler moment involved Seth Meyers explaining the mathematical impossibility of Senator Mike Huckabee winning the Republican presidential nomination to a befuddled Mike Huckabee. By Monday morning, even Huckabee was probably wishing Kimmel’d made a video about fucking him.
So I nominate Jimmy Kimmel as next year’s Oscar host. His late-night gabfest is funnier than Letterman’s, Leno’s or Conan’s and he can bring his bunkmate with him (either Silverman or Affleck).
Besides, Stewart seemed to be passing the ceremonial torch when he gave Kimmel the tux off his back during the opening of Kimmel’s show.