10,000 B.C. (Roland Emmerich). 109 minutes. Rating: N
10,000 B.C. is Apocalypto if it had been made by Uwe Boll. It's an unintentional disaster movie about Rasta-like tribespeople who are attacked by hooked-nose marauders with Trent Reznor voices and a desire to capture of few hot cave babes. The Bob Marleyesque hero, D'Leh (Steven Strait, who comes across like cardboard against all the CGI), sets out to save his beloved Evolet (Camilla Belle), crossing multiple time zones and landscapes in just a few steps, from snowcapped mountains to steamy jungles to scorching desert, as though trekking across the Genesis planet from Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan.
Historical impossibilities aside, the film has enough plot holes to drive a herd of woolly mammoths through, which director Roland Emmerich does at every opportunity. From the utterly toothless sabre-toothed tiger to the über-serious and completely inane narration, this is laughably bad without ever tipping into so-bad-it's-good territory. Emmerich should stick to things he does well, like blowing up the White House and... well, that seems to be about it.