Stay far, far away from The Clone Wars.
STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS (Dave Filoni). 98 minutes. Opens Friday (August 15). For venues and times, see Movies. Rating: N
A long time ago, Star Wars ruled the galaxy. But George Lucas, his creativity long frozen in carbonite, has given in to the dark side: commercialism.
The bearded one's latest cash-grabbing crushing of cherished fanboy memories is the all-computer-animated Star Wars: The Clone Wars, a feature-length intro to the new TV series that stinks worse than tauntaun innards.
The movie is set between Attack Of The Clones and Revenge Of The Sith. Really, with its convoluted plot involving Jabba the Hutt's kidnapped snotball of a kid, comically inept robot armies and recycled CGI whizbangery, there's little to separate this from the prequel trilogy, except now Anakin and Obi-Wan are cartoons, and really creepy ones, like animated versions of Thunderbird supermario-nettes.
While Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen wisely afforded Clone Wars a wide berth, Anthony "C-3PO" Daniels, Sam Jackson and Christopher Lee all gave in to the power of the dark side.
And then there's the addition of a plucky new Jedi student, an orange-skinned tween in a belly shirt and miniskirt who keeps referring to Anakin Skywalker (aka Darth fucking Vader!) as Skyguy. Meesa sorry to say it, but this character is more annoying than Jar Jar and about had me ready to leap face first into the nearest Sarlacc pit to be digested for a thousand years.
While the movie (and TV series) are obviously aimed at eight-year-olds, and fanboys' inner eight-year-olds, watching them can lead only to fear and anger. So if you're looking to feed your inner geek, stay home, fire up a copy of A New Hope (the one where Han Solo shoots first) or maybe play a little Star Wars Leggo.
Just stay far, far away from Clone Wars.