THE LONGEST RIDE (George Tillman Jr.). 128 minutes. Opens Friday (April 10). See listing. Rating: NN
Where to watch: Netflix, iTunes
How do you out-Sparks Nicholas Sparks when adapting the latest Nicholas Sparks when you yourself are Nicholas Sparks?
I can’t help but think that’s what was running through the Southern Christian author’s head while writing and producing his latest novel/movie combo, The Longest Ride. On top of delivering all the hallmarks of his rigid formula, Sparks, the Red State answer to Tyler Perry.
Fans are probably familiar with his schmaltzy, clichéd and altogether lame moss-covered, rain-soaked romances, in which two very attractive and very white characters from different worlds instantly connect, their bond tested by social differences and often a physical ailment. The Longest Ride doesn’t just repeat these old-fashioned archetypes, but seems to argue on their behalf.
This time the hunk isn’t just some Southerner descended from cowboys and slave owners. Luke Collins is the old school incarnate, a full-on bull-riding cowboy, portrayed in a time-capsule performance by Scott Eastwood (son of Clint).
The sparkle in his eye is Sophia (Britt Robertson, adorable), a college student from Jersey, toting her MacBook to Luke’s pickup while charmed by his dated ways. An East Coast girl so modern she’s into abstract art, she’s a conduit for those who don’t necessarily buy Sparks’s Southern romanticism. Yet she finds ways to appreciate Luke’s John Wayne machismo and chivalry – not that hard when sweat’s trickling down his abs.
Luke’s so old-fashioned that he interrupts their first date to save a man’s life – I mean who even does that any more? That old man is Ira Levinson (played with exceptional wit by Alan Alda), a widower who then narrates his WWII-era romance to Luke and Sophia. In case you didn’t catch on, The Longest Ride is a bloated dual affair clocking in at more than two hours.
The younger Ira (Jack Huston) and his wife, Ruth (Oona Chaplin), are the first major Jewish characters in a Sparks movie, a noticeable detour for the author, who’s currently being sued for anti-Semitism.
You can forget about The Longest Ride being a competent movie it’s far from that. However, Sparks fans will be happy to know that my sleeve was damp by the end because my wife had no Kleenex handy.
The movie is actually more interesting as a reflection of its author. The lawsuit (filed immediately after The Longest Ride was published) comes from a Jewish professor, the former headmaster of a private Christian school that Sparks founded in North Carolina. The incidents in the suit happened while Sparks was writing the novel, in which a major plot point revolves around the Jewish couple’s visit to a private arts school that embraces the modern while being inclusive of people who are different. Coincidence?
Despite its retrograde motifs, The Longest Ride feels eagerly inclusive, extending the Sparks brand to folks who weren’t previously invited. On top of Ira and Ruth, there are randomly inserted black extras (always framed centrally so you don’t miss them) and hired-hand African-American director George Tillman, Jr., most famous for giving us Soul Food (!). The guy who laid the ground for Tyler Perry’s entire oeuvre was recruited to polish this Southern romance.
Sparks out-Sparks himself by trying to get black people to yell yee-haw while two white people get it on.
