VAMPIRES SUCK (Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer). 80 minutes. Opened August 18. For venues, trailers and times, see Movies. Rating: NN
No question, the current crop of droopy, soulful vampires deserves a good pie in the face, but Vampires Suck isn't it. It's a mediocre Twilight parody whose most repeated gag involves somebody being hit on the head and/or falling down. Granted, that's always good for a laugh, but it has nothing to do with Twilight.
The next most overworked gag is the slow-motion yearning look between the mopey teenaged girl and the vampire boyfriend who loves her too much to bite her. Jenn Proske does a good imitation of Kristen Stewart, and Matt Lanter, helped by a ridiculous haircut, catches the vapid narcissism of Robert Pattinson's Edward, but these qualities don't make a weak joke worth repeating.
Funny moments erupt now and then - the best features a baby and a bowling ball - but Vampires Suck wastes so much time on fun-free exposition and simply aping Twilight's narrative that it never builds any momentum.
Previous credits for writer/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer include Meet The Spartans and Date Movie. Vampires Suck isn't as bad as Date Movie, but only because nothing could be.