Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Given the unpleasantness that happened at the New York Film Critics' Circle gala earlier this week, I'm sure a number of columnists will be suggesting they hire Armond White to cover the Golden Globes on Sunday night.
I humbly suggest that this is a terrible idea. The best possible outcome would be Steve McQueen decking the guy on sight; the worst is that White would be allowed to rant from a distant table for the entire evening. Like Seth MacFarlane's stint as Oscar host, it'd be uncomfortably funny for about three minutes and then just uncomfortable.
That said, White's presence would generate some legitimate press interest in the Golden Globes ceremony, which would be the first such interest in a while. I have even less respect for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association than I do for Armond White, which is really saying something; they're both craven attention whores, but at least White is reasonably honest about his motivations. The Globes are a bizarro starfucker version of the Oscars, where they actively ignore reality on a regular basis.
This year's weirdest example? Idris Elba, a very nice and extremely photogenic man, is up for Best Performance By An Actor In A Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made For Television. Where did he give that performance? In the third series of Luther, his ongoing BBC detective show.
Idris Elba has been making Luther for three years, and the HFPA is willing to pretend it is a miniseries or a TV-movie in order to throw him a nomination. And Idris Elba will show up, because he's a decent guy and will enjoy the evening out and he's also up for Best Actor (Drama) for Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom, but come on.
Still, the Golden Globes are a reality, and many famous people will be in Los Angeles for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to joke around with, so let's all pretend to care. Follow me on Twitter Sunday night for live coverage of the event; I will try to drink as much as the people at the ceremony, so that ought to be interesting.
Here are the two predictions I'm willing to make: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will not take the HFPA any more seriously than I do, and the one actual musical or comedy nominated for Best Musical Or Comedy this year, Joel and Ethan Coen's Inside Llewyn Davis - recently honoured as Best Picture of 2013 by the Toronto Film Critics Association - will not win.
And no, American Hustle is not a comedy. If it was a comedy, it would be funny.