So, like, the other night, Lindsay was hanging out at my house? And we were counting the carbs in Durango coolers while we watched The O.C. and crank-called Ashton Kutcher? On the commercial break, she told me it was so-o-o-o good that she broke up with Fez from That 70s Show, cuz this guy Tommy Mottola, who had a thing with that crazy chick Mariah Carey, thinks Linds is super-hot and says he'll executive produce her big record or whatever. I don't know what a skin mag is, but he made her pose like she was in one from the 80s. OMG Speak is so awesome! It's better than that bitch Hilary Duff's goody-two-shoes pop and Avril Lavigne's "I'm so tough" whining and Britney's skankitude, cuz it's, like, all of them at once! And Lindsay's vocals are so weak and watery, you feel like you could sing better, which is totally great for my self-esteem.