If Connor Oberst were more of a philanthropist, as we all know he should be, he would grant awards on a Sunday-night TV special. The big winner would receive the Bright Eyes Award for outstanding ability to sound exactly like Bright Eyes. The nominees would have to be able to let their teenage emotional earnestness pour out into their songs like urine streams from 10,000 giants, and the singer's voice would have to warble like he's about to cry.
The nominees would be so young that it'd be impossible for them to grasp the idea of writing accomplished singer/songwriter-type material, while song titles should be metaphorical poetry stuff like The Neighborhood Is Bleeding and Wolves At Night.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting this year's winner: Manchester Orchestra.