The verdict is in: Feist's new The Reminder (Arts & Crafts) disc is launching the bi-continental drifter into the stratosphere, and it's about time. Now that basically every member of Broken Social Scene with two X chromosomes is inching away from the fold to pursue solo careers, we got to thinking - maybe it was the boys in the Broken band who were holding their female counterparts back. On the occasion of Feist's two-night stand at Massey Hall (178 Victoria) Friday and Saturday (May 25 and 26), we wondered what it would look like if she and her indie rock sisters had started off in a Lou Pearlman-style prefab pop band. Let's call it Almost Crimes…
Nickname: The Classy One
Signature dance move: The Parisian Hair Toss: Stand ramrod straight, gaze oh-so-casually askance, flip cheekbone-length hipster bangs out of eyes. Repeat.
Why bandmates want to give her the boot: She steals all the solos cuz she sings better.
Inevitable tabloid scandal: European authorities decide that her shady past manipulating puppets as Peaches's trashy sidekick Lap Lap counts as sock molestation and try to bring her up on charges. Unfortunately for them, there's a statute of limitations on Muppet-related crimes.
JT or Joey Fatone? Duh. JT. The Reminder clinches it.
Nickname: The Tipsy One
Signature dance move: The Whiskey Hoist: While double-fisting two rocks glasses, stagger prettily and gulp in tandem. Repeat.
Why bandmates want to give her the boot: She drinks their rider, nightly.
Inevitable tabloid scandal: Drunk and disorderly conduct at a tour stop in Medicine Hat.
JT or Joey Fatone? JT, especially now that she's assembled an actual country band for her Honey From The Tombs material.
Nickname: The Intense One
Signature dance move: The Piano Hump: With or without an actual piano or bench around, lean and thrust. Repeat.
Why bandmates want to give her the boot: She gives them the silent treatment.
Inevitable tabloid scandal: Hauled into customs for smuggling contraband agnès b. designer duds without declaring them and slapped with mega-fines.
JT or Joey Fatone? Toss-up. Jury's out till she releases a follow-up to Knives Don't Have Your Back.
Nickname: The Replacement
Signature dance move: The "Here I Am!": Jump up and down, wave arms in the air, look pained. Repeat.
Why bandmates want to give her the boot: They keep forgetting she's there.
Inevitable tabloid scandal: Frustrated that nobody remembers her name and fans keep calling her "that one with the hair, " she pulls a total Britney, shaves off her massive do and overturns a taquito kiosk at a 7 Eleven on the Prairies.
JT or Joey Fatone? Joey. Dancing With The Stars all the way.
Video for Feist's 1,2,3,4