Rating: NNNNN
If music be the food of love, play on. But make sure you have plenty of extra strings.
As the year 2002 fades out, we continue to follow the hottest news story on the planet into the new year. No, not Kyoto or the war on terrorism. I’m talking about J.Lo and Ben, the current poster faces for the train wrecks that are celebrity romances. Movie stars have way cooler love lives than the rest of us, mainly because they can afford as many weddings as they damn well please.
We need to know. What will happen to the diva and her third husband to be? We can’t stand the suspense. Not us. That’s why, through a medium, we evoked a spirit named Fred who will now share his prophesies for celebrity romances involving musicians (and we use the term loosely) for the year 2003.
(Disclaimer: Some of these couples may be history by the time this goes to print, and some may never have existed, so if you happen to spot any factual errors, get a life.)
JENNIFER LoPEZ and Ben AFFLECK
J.Lo Is actually amassing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. After her divorce from Ben, she’ll move on to husband number 4, at which point all the past husbands will come together, the skies will open and the destruction of the Earth will be upon us.
Chris Robinson and Kate Hudson
The code to male pregnancy will finally be cracked by Robinson, who will carry to term and deliver a child to save his Katie dear from having to go through the ordeal. She’ll experience some sympathetic pains while filming the birth. Chris will then throw a dinner party and serve the placenta to his guests in a lovely white-wine-and-thyme sauce.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie
Madonna and Guy will collaborate on the soon-to-be-best-seller How To Become The Most Overrated Person On The Planet. Booming sales will lead to the birth of a new world religion. Disciples will gather for a meditation in the desert involving yoga and extreme violence, which will be made into a music video for Madonna’s next hit single.
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
Rossdale will become frustrated with his own struggling career and his wife’s continuing success. Jealous of her involvement with her fashion line — “Gwen makes all those cute elbow warmers for chicks but nothing, apart from that sling when I hurt my arm, that looks good on me” — Gavin will launch his own signature line of post-grunge wear and hair products for pretty boys, “when you don’t want to look like you’re trying.”
Justin Timberlake and anyone over 30
Twenty-one-year-old Timberlake, who’s been linked by rumour to Janet Jackson (36) and who very recently was ditched by Alyssa Milano (29) for Fred Durst, continues his pursuit of the older woman, this time turning his affections to Anne Bancroft (71), sparking the ire of her husband, Mel Brooks, who will write a comedic musical about it. In retaliation, he casts Danny DeVito as Timberlake.
fantasy connections
Here are some pairs we’ve imagined who could really shake things up.
Eminem and Alanis MorisSette
Angry young man. Angry young woman. Just imagine the albums that would come out after the messy breakup. Or the tortured children they’d have if it worked out.
Britney Spears and Lemmy
OK, I know that’s just gratuitous, but come on. Somebody’s gotta deflower the little virgin slut, and it might as well be someone with facial warts.
Michael Jackson and French performance artist and plastic surgery nightmare Orlan
They could swap heads!
Courtney Love and Ted Nugent
No, I’m not hoping anyone gets shot.
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