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Justin Bieber was extracted from a Brazilian brothel in a bed sheet

OK.

When I started this Bieber Watch! column, everyone at NOW said I was mad.

“Nobody cares about Justin Bieber!” they screamed. “Reporting on a teenage pop star is ‘off-brand’!” they warned. “Stop legitimating the evil in the universe!” everyone pleaded with me, pointlessly. But to these naysayers I say…nothing. Because none of these complaints were ever actually filed.

I also say this: JUSTIN BIEBER WAS HAULED OUT OF A BRAZILIAN BROTHEL IN A BED SHEET! LIKE A SPOOKY GHOST! (Allegedly.)

According to the New York Post’s Page Six blog, the Canadian pop prince spent three hours inside the popular bawdy Centaurus house in Rio de Janeiro, then left with two women (after being kicked out for breaking some rules). We should note that you can’t actually see Stratford’s pride in the pictures, so all this should be qualified with “alleged” and “it has been reported” and so on. But still! The Post mentions that a visible tattoo, and the security team, confirm that the man-in-the-sheet is indeed Bieber.

Google “centaurus rio,” like I just did, and the first result is a message board post titled “ive fucked 7 whores in 5 days at high end brothels in Rio De Janeiro, BR” on a site called CAMELDOG. User “Paul Herrara” offers the following, offensive, NSFW description of Centaurus, which we provide only to give a sense of what (supposedly) goes on there:

7 of the 10 hottest chicks ive ever fucked..

100% legal, you walk into the brothel and there are 20-30 chicks and you pick one out.. at a USA strip club where they push you for a rip off lap dance, here you go upstairs to rooms and rail them out.. with a condom of course.

you can ask them if they do anal, bj with out condom, if you can cum in there mouth, 3somes, gangbangs.. everything goes for a price.

you can also call a “garota de programa” for incalls, the below link shows semi-nude images of REAL brazilian prostitutes, that you can rail. absolutely legal.

Anyway. Whatever. That’s fine. Paying for sex is a no biggie and nobody, sex payer or sex payee, should feel necessarily shamed for doing so as long as it’s safe, consensual, etc., etc., etc. (To get the jump on the first person who will comment on this, YES, NOW advertises sex workers in the back pages of the paper, and on this website. It is because we are sex, and sex-work, positive that we do this. This is not irony!)

The notable thing isn’t Bieber’s John-ing (no offense to all Johns, including myself) it’s that his security team allegedly smuggled him out in a beige bed sheet, like they were rolling a corpse up in a carpet. Imagine if that was your job?

It’s a weird world, for sure, and it’s always interesting to see how Canadians handle their fame – or infamy see: the whole Crackpipe Phone Scandal – which is something that, as Canadians, we’re supposed to be too modest and decent to even acknowledge.

Sometimes we navigate the harrows of stardom gracefully (see: Jim Carrey), other time, we’re apparently smuggled out of brothels wrapped in linens. That Justin Bieber forces us to wonder if real life is just some shitty-funny fever dream is probably his greatest gift as an entertainer. Never, ever, EVER stop Beliebin’.

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