Rating: NNNNN
Four-eyed cutie Lisa Loeb had one hit – Stay (Maybe she’ll play it when she hits the ElMo Monday, September 20). Beyond that she remains forever relegated to the pseudo sensitive 90s when we found vulnerability romantic because we figured if we relished our vulnerability we’d have an excuse for fucking up. Remember these other 90s hit makers you’ve also outgrown?
ARTIST: Lisa Loeb
Hit: Stay, aconfused lament about lost love and attention deficit disorder released on the Reality Bites soundtrack.
Sample lyric: “You say I only hear what I want to. I don’t listen hard. I don’t pay attention.”
Why you liked it: You didn’t listen either.
But now that you’re more mature… You realize that being a self absorbed flake is not romantic and adorable. It actually makes you an asshole.
Where is she now?: On the Food Network hosting a music/cooking show with boyfriend Dweezil Zappa.
ARTIST: The Cardigans.
Hit: Lovefool, an ironic, desperate plea for love in any guise.
Sample lyric:“Love me love me. Pretend that you love me. Leave me leave me just say that you need me.”
Why you liked it: Because you’d been there and now you could laugh in the face of desperation.
But now that you’re more mature… You realize you’ve heard it too many times and it’s just kind of irritating.
Where are they now?: Still cranking out the records and playing live shows that prove they must have sold their souls to the devil because singer Nina Persson is so talentless it hurts.
ARTIST: The Divinyls
Hit: I Touch Myself, an ode to masturbation and placing the burden of your existence on another’s shoulders.
Sample lyric: “I lose myself, I want you to find me. I forget myself I want you to remind me.”
Why you liked it: You didn’t and you considered cutting out the part of your brain that knew all the lyrics with a sharp knife.
But now that you’re more mature… You realize the dangers of DIY surgery.
Where are they now?: Chrissie Amphlett is playing Judy Garland in a Sydney Australia production of The Boy From Oz. Bugga. Oi dan’t theenk weah in Kenses enymo hai?
ARTIST:Joan Osborne
Hit: One of us, a deep if grammatically incorrect look at the fallibility of the Almighty.
Sample Lyric: “What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us?”
Why you liked it: You were all, like, “Oh My God! That’s so fucking deep. What if God was one of us? Like. Wow.
But now that you’re more mature… You realize it’s a stupid fucking question.
Where is she now?: Touring with the remaining members of the Funk Brothers. The Vatican is relieved .
ARTIST: Marcy Playground
Hit: Sex and Candy, a song that rhymes myself with myself
Sample lyrics: “I smell sex and candy” (the only lyrics you knew)
Why you liked it: Because you liked to imagine that you too could identify the smell of sex and candy and that one day your room would smell like that.
But now that you’re more mature… You realize the virtues of air freshener.
Where is marcy playground now?: They’ve actually got a new record out.
