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Before punk rock icon turned stand-up comedian Henry Rollins — ranting at Convocation Hall Saturday (February 1) — landed his current TV gig as the co-host of Full Metal Challenge, rumours flew about other programs that got the thumbs down from network suits. Here’s a sampling of the ones you never saw.
| Program | Pitch | Qualifications | What went wrong? |
| WHO WANTS TO DATE A PUNK ROCK MILLIONAIRE? | Twenty female suitors vie for the attentions of, er, “passionate” bachelor Henry Rollins. | Have you ever seen Henry with a woman? Didn’t think so. | All applicants quit during the screening process, which involved having Henry bellow passages from his book Eye Scream at them. |
| WEAKEST LINK: GREY PUNKS EDITION | Henry matches wits with fellow washed-up hardcore punk rockers Keith Morris, Brett Gurewitz, Bob Mould and Glenn Danzig. | When was the last time you heard a great new Rollins tune? Exactly. | Bitch-from-hell host Anne Robinson, concerned about being out-nastied, had Rollins kicked off the show for screaming, “You’re weak!” at fellow competitors each time they answered incorrectly. |
| TRADING SPACES | Henry and his Hollywood neighbour, Carrot Top, redecorate rooms in each other’s homes. | After Black Flag shows, Rollins showed his design skills by using beer and bodily fluids to “redecorate” the dwellings of young fans who foolishly offered the band a place to crash. | When Henry opened his eyes to see that Carrot Top had removed his cherished Misfits posters from his bedroom wall — which he’d insisted be left untouched — Rollins calmly reached for a rattan chair and clobbered Carrot Top senseless. |
| CELEBRITY FEAR FACTOR | Henry goes head-to-head with fellow actors, models and pop music stars, performing icky stunts for charity. | Folks from El Paso still talk about the time a heckler hurled a cowboy boot at Henry during a show and Rollins ate the thing heel to toe. | After successfully meeting the challenge of transporting a live rat from one container to another using his mouth, Rollins was disqualified for attempting to eliminate the competition by eating their rats. |
| THE ROLLINSES | In the spirit of The Osbournes, a camera crew moves into Henry’s pad to capture his day-to-day hijinks. | Henry spends a lot of time at home. | After the third week of filming, it was discovered that Rollins had no friends or lovers and his entire existence revolved around lifting weights and sitting alone at a computer terminal typing out witty notions for his spoken-word routine as he laughed quietly to himself. |
