Tonight the Molson Amphitheatre hosts what some have dubbed The Worst Tour of the Summer - a dubious distinction that ultimately means nothing, though you have to admit the ungodly pairing of Maroon 5 and Counting Crows sends a lite-rock shiver up your spine.
Two critically-reviled bands join forces to create a juggernaut of syrupy balladry and feathery rock.
But who's headlining this monstrosity? The tour itinerary doesn't make it clear, so let's try to decide this with what we'll call "the Battle of the Adam." It's Duritz versus Levine, in meeting of the two ladykiller frontmen.
Both noted womanizers, both emoting shamelessly in their respective easy rock units, both of whom having sold dishearteningly large amounts of records.
First let's consider the Jennifer Aniston factor. She's an A-list celeb babe and if you date her you'll probably get on the cover of People. She's been linked to both of them, first with Duritz during her Friends years, then with Levine later in her post-Brad era. We'll have to give this one to Duritz since he scooped her in prime Rachel-haircut wonder. Levine looks like one of many rebound flings.
An easy to use chart of Duritz's many celeb conquests can be found here while Levine's checklist is here. It's difficult to compare the two, as they're both begrudgingly impressive. But let's give Levine this one for at least being contemporary. Duritz's Winona Rider connection really dates him.
How about album sales, whoever moved more units should be top Adam, right? That's not necessarily fair for Maroon as the Crows come from a decade of robust music retail, while the 5 came up just after the dawn of digital. The Crows will forever be propelled by their catalogue centerpiece August and Everything After (1993), which includes the unkillable Mr. Jones and to lesser degree the overwrought Round Here, both insidious radio staple to this day.
August sold over seven million, but surprisingly Maroon actually matches that with Songs About Jane (2002), their debut which has the tediously overplayed This Love. Five million at home, plus two million overseas for Jane, meaning we have no clear indication who's duped more record buyers, thus who should close.
We'll just have to go with our heart and say Duritz and his Counting Crows, just out of pure respect for seniority in the wimp-rock game. But as sure as this tour will be a drippy marathon of brain-numbing rom-com soundtrack staples, one day that mantle will be Levine's.