Cops want more cash to take on grow ops, but with a tiny closet and a few gizmos - no mould, no stolen electricity, no neglected kids - we can topple the drug czars, save policing cash and keep ourselves blissfully buzzed.
Location, location, location Make sure to situate your grow op in an out-of-the-way place like a closet. You don't want the furnace repair man smelling out your stash. Forgo the tin-foil lining on the walls. It actually reflects tiny beams of light that can burn your plants. A coat of flat white paint works best.
Bright lights, big buds Don't be dazzled by fancy metal halide or high-pressure sodium lights. Forty-watt fluorescent tubes (attached to a rope or chain for raising and lowering) or mounted vertically on the wall (some gardeners say it offers more coverage) will do the trick.
Soil but don't spoil Every pot grower claims to have a secret soil mix that will grow boffo buds, but a high-quality organic potting soil mixed with sand atop a few inches of gravel is all you need. A few seeds planted an inch deep in plastic-wrap-covered pots will get you started. Make sure to punch holes in the bottom of your pots to allow drainage.
Water works The rule of thumb is to water twice a day (at least 12 hours apart) during the early stages of plant growth, and periodically (when the top layer of soil becomes dry) once the plant is established. Be careful. Too much water will rot the roots.
Fertilize it But don't go crazy with the stuff. And don't bother using fertilizer with varying amounts of nitrogen, potassium and phosphorus for the different growing stages of your plants. A scoop of Miracle Gro once a week is enough bang for your blooms. Also, don't use any fertilizer in the two weeks before harvest. It'll make for a cleaner smoke.
Shock goes to pot No extension cords and power bars, please. But if running a separate line from your electrical panel isn't an option, make sure to keep your electrical off the floor, affixed to a platform of some kind. You don't want any water accidents giving you the shock of your life.
Take your timer Don't scrimp with the plastic $2.99 special from Canadian Tire. You'll need to light your plants for 18 to 24 hours a day (12 hours a day when you want them to bud), so you don't want the contraption going on the fritz and depriving your buds of nourishment, or melting in the heat. Spring for a more expensive metal timer.
Flower power You'll be growing in cramped quarters, so you'll want to "pinch" the tops of your plants about a month in to prevent them from growing too high. Don't bother pruning. Nature doesn't. You only need to remove dead leaves. Once you've harvested your crop, wrap it in paper bags or place in empty shoeboxes until completely dry. Smoke freely.
Bugging out Dishwashing liquid mixed with water should handle just about any infestation, but the best guard against an invasion, according to Doc Bush, is good seeds (available online). Keeping temperatures in the 24-to-27°Celsius range should also help keep humidity under control and ward off critters.
Air care A simple oscillating fan or bathroom ceiling fan (which you can rig to vent through the ceiling of your closet if you're worried about the smell) will keep your green breathing easy and free of mould and mildew. Remember, the hotter the space, the more ventilation is required. If you're really freaked about smell, splurge for an ionizer.
Just one more thing It's illegal and you can go to jail for this.