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I’ll be my own man

I’m Lucas. Musician. Artist. Writer. Human. Transgender by definition – not by identity.

And here’s why.

Someone in the trans community recently told me – and this wasn’t the first time I’ve heard it – that I shouldn’t say “I used to be a woman,” because it diminished my entire trans male identity.

It seems that saying “I used to be a woman” is as unpopular as actress Cynthia Nixon saying she “chose” to be gay.

But here’s the thing. I was a woman. A lesbian. I identified with both for years. I even enjoyed being a woman sometimes. It just wasn’t me. I’m proud of my past and will never deny it for the sake of some notion that there should be a single narrative of transgender identity.

I’d lived six years as a transman without hormones, and was always accepted into women/lesbian/queer spaces. When the hormones changed my appearance and I began to “pass,” I started to feel the same invisibility in the LGBTQ community that I’d felt in the mainstream world.

I started to feel unwelcome among the same people who knew my history. Feeling alienated and invisible, I stopped going to those spaces. I felt deep loss.

And I seemed to continue to say things that made me unpopular.

Early this year I was aggressively called out by a small group of people in the LGBTQ community for using the word “tranny” on Twitter.

Apparently, I was not allowed use of the word, because historically it was a derogatory term for transwomen, specifically sex workers.

My stance was that it’s not that specific any more and was used negatively about trans identity as a whole. Much as gays and lesbians reclaim “fag,” “dyke” and “queer,” I was empowering myself with a word that had been used to hurt me. Owning. Reclaiming.

My defence was not accepted. I was called an asshole, trans-misogynist, hater of transwomen, white and privileged. Slanderous blogs were written and a fake Twitter account created quoting things I never said.

Although I received support from transwomen, transmen and allies, I was deeply affected and hurt.

When it comes to my use of the word “tranny,” I stand by my defence. But that said, I won’t use it again because I no longer identify with its empowerment.

I don’t feel comfortable calling myself transgender any more or being tied to an identity that does not give people the opportunity to grow, change and have individual narratives and history. And it’s hard to be part of a community that doesn’t accept varied opinions on language. Doesn’t this just alienate those looking for safety?

I never realized how much I would have to mourn when I started testosterone. I was told I would be gaining so much. All I have felt is the loss of my history, which some do not accept as truth. I feel the need to protect and keep that safe or chance losing myself all over again.

I’m not here to open old wounds. Not mine. Not anyone else’s. I’m here to talk about why after seven years of living in the public eye as an out and proud transgender man, I no longer want to identify as one.

news@nowtoronto.com

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