TOUR:SMART:AND BREAK THE BAND Ex-drummer and Tour:Smart author Martin Atkins gives a seminar in which he downloads everything musicians need to know about how to plan a tour. Saturday (November 17), 6 pm. $4. Velvet Underground, 510 Queen West. 416-504-6688. Rating: NNNNN
What keeps bands from making good tour decisions?
Their vision is obscured by 50 pairs of rose-coloured spectacles in their pop-star world. They think of everything but the nuts and bolts - like, does anyone have a map? This is the opposite of Boy Scoutism.
How do you respond to questions about how to score drugs on the road?
If that's what's driving them, then they should know before they set out how many miles they are from the local dealer. Anything that requires an Excel spread sheet can't be a bad thing.
What's the biggest mistake a band can make on tour?
Agreeing to tour with bands from other genres. That only keeps your audience away.
Tell us about your easiest tour.
When I was the drummer for Pigface, we did 14 show in five weeks. Somebody lost a lot of money.
What's the difference between touring with a book and touring with a band?
Books are heavier than CDs, and I sometimes do events at 9 in the morning and as many as four a day. It's different from waiting all day for the band setup. My complete ADD craziness is blossoming.
Favourite rock 'n' roll movie?
Spinal Tap, of course. It has to be watched on a tour bus. I did, however, see it with Johnny Lydon when it first came out. I remember that there was a metal band sitting in front of us and it took 20 minutes for them to figure out that it was a joke!