Dear fido, I hate you. You're just lucky that I hate Bell and Rogers even more. And I despise Telus beyond words, so we're not even going there.
Reason number one why I hate you: My cellphone doesn't work inside my Kensington house. At all. Ever. For real. I hate that.
Reason number two: Every time I'm a day late or 14¢ short with my payment, you start calling me every day to remind me. I hate that.
Reason number three: Every time I'm a day late or 14¢ short with my payment, you start calling my parents, who live in a completely different part of the country, and demanding to know where I am. For the last two years my father has been telling you that you have the wrong number and that he's never heard of me. You're nothing if not persistent. I hate that, and so do my parents.
Reason number four: When I signed up with you, you asked for an emergency contact number. I gave you my parents' number. My payment being a day late does not constitute an emergency. I hate that.
Reason number five: Frequently, when you call to remind me that I'm 42 microseconds late with my payment, I do not answer my phone. Rather than leaving a real message, you allow the call to go to voice mail, wait in silence five seconds and then hang up. I hate that.
Reason number six: I decided to buy a new phone a few years ago. You told me that because I was such a great, super, wonderful, fantabulistic customer, I would get a special rate. I chose the phone that was "normally" $199. You sold it to me for $72. You promised me that this special price was your way of thanking me for my continued business. The next day you began handing out the very same phone for free to all new customers. I hate that.
Reason number seven: Ever since you were bought out by Rogers, it's hard to place a phone call using a Fido phone. Is this because the two companies' customers are sharing networks? I hate that.
Reason number eight: Ever since you were bought out by Rogers, it's hard to connect to anybody who uses a Fido phone. I hate that and it doesn't make sense.
Reason number nine: For eight years now your customer service agents have been calling me "Mrs." For eight years now I've been telling your customer service agents to never, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever call me "Mrs." For eight years now your customer service agents have been telling me that's what's written in my file. For eight years now I've been asking them to change that notation. I really, really, really hate that, and it pisses me off more than anything else on this list.
Reason number 10: I have a long list of reasons to hate you, and yet I still haven't found anybody I hate less. I hate that.
Fido bites back
Fido spokesperson Rebecca Catley responds:
On service problems in the home:
"Wireless technology is based on radio waves, so if you live in a concrete bunker you lose service. That's not unique to Fido. It all depends on her geography. In a basement suite in a concrete building there might be some issues of coverage."
On network problems:
"Maybe with the network integration, if she has an older handset, there could be an issue. There were a small number of customers with a particular handset who were having some difficulties, but after a call to the call centre they were able to manually reset it so it would find the appropriate network. It's an easy fix with a call to our customer service centre."
On billing complaints:
"If the customer's not happy, she should get in touch with customer service. It's something that generally can be remedied very quickly. She could also give me a call to make sure that we're navigating through the system to give her the right service."