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Porn Valentine

Rating: NNNNN


I know that nobody needs to hear a girl gush over her guy, especially around that time of year when everywhere you look there are chocolate-covered doilies and heart-shaped teddy bears. However, I will say that Big D has been an A+ man friend ever since we got past those initial fall-down-drunk visits. He smells much better now.

But imagine my surprise when in the middle of the night during a routine sleepover I was strangely awakened from the deepest of sleeps to find the TV cleverly muted while what looked like a half-naked “schoolgirl” was being “punished” by her bulky male “teacher.”

In total confusion, I rolled over to find Big D having himself a field day with… Little D.

As soon as he noticed that I was awake, he flashed a guilty smile and put the goods away. (Oh, geez.) Not knowing the exact protocol on this sort of a thing, I said what any savvy, modern woman would have said. “I have to pee.”

Off I went to the bathroom to try to figure out what had just taken place. I reminded myself that I’m not a grandmother. I am liberal and I am with it! I mean, who cares that he was having a sex party with Nasty Knickers Volume 3? (Does that mean he has Volumes 1 and 2?)

I went back to bed, assured Big D that I was cool with the whole weird episode (“Doesn’t bother me a bit”), hid under the covers and hummed the bars of “It’s a small world after all” until I fell asleep.

Naturally, the next morning I ridiculed him to death about the whole thing. Then I went on to embarrass him further by telling the story to a co-worker. Laughing, she responded, “Don’t be so hard on the guy. It’s like watching any movie to them.”

Could this really be true?

My father overheard me giggling about the incident over the phone. “Aw, Esther. Leave the poor guy alone! All men, including me, enjoy pornography!” Yes, Dad. That will certainly haunt me for the rest of my natural life.

Moment of truth: I now know that bad porn happens to good people.

And while we’re clearing the air on this one, I in no way need my father to point that out. (Barf.)

Really, if pornography were something to be ashamed of, they wouldn’t be e-mailing me the stuff for free, right? (Deep breath.)

All that being said, after much careful thought and consideration I’ve decided that this Valentine’s Day nothing says I love you like a big colourful basketful o’ dirty porn! Love ya, D.

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