Survivor? Bah, humbug. Big Brother? Too many chickens. No, viewers, the hottest thing, the hottest -- is Too Boring For Even The CBC. In a test of resilience carried out in a two-apartment house in Parkdale, the final contestant gets to star in a remount of Degrassi Junior High and wins approximately $273.26 (Canadian).
Names have been changed to protect the innocent. But is anyone really innocent? Tell it to the coconut, honey, tell it to the coconut.
Upcoming episodes to look out for: 1. Leg waxing -- does Roxy have a terrible secret? 2. Why, why, why do they play Tom Jones all the time? I mean, I know they're lesbians, but really. And 3. Who the heck put these drugs in the fridge's butter compartment?
Here are our contenders.
Team #1 -- Roxy is a gorgeous moppet with a bad attitude and a shady past (i.e., she's a York University grad). Sadie is an "architect" (yeah, sure) who compulsively rearranges rooms and drawers and the like in pathetic insurgency attempts so alpha members of the team can't find anything. Muff Ruffer went to Stupid Orange Cats Anonymous to stop troublesome toilet-water-drinking habit that tore the family apart. Still in recovery.
Team #2 (set up to serve as a dramatic foil, not as cute as Team #1, and hence will lose) -- Jack J., an electrical engineer, is a girl but says she's a boy. Boudica S. is a civil servant who claims she's forced to wear nylons but secretly enjoys the little swish swish. Squeak is a fat cat who runs away from everything. (Well, they were going to lose anyway.)
Day 1: All do nails in reward challenge, except Jack J. and Muff Ruffer, who sulk in boys' room.
Day 2: Jack J. shakes her head a lot and says "Wow, man, wow." Voted off for bad vocabulary.
Day 3: Mmm. Kibble. Now I'm sleeping. Mmm. Look at me sleep.
Day 4: Muff Ruffer expresses frustration over losing immunity challenge by peeing on curtains. All animals are equal, but some animals are smaller than others. Mmm. Cat sandwich.
Day 5: You're still watching. Wonder to yourself about Personal Relative Lameness factor. Pick nose.
Day 6: Now you're filming yourself watching us. Maybe you'll make a small independent film for next year's Ubiquitous Small Independent Film Festival. Maybe you'll get a grant.
Day 7: Sadie makes flat muffins. She is Muffin Loser. She is so off the island.
Day 8: Roxy and Squeak have it out over unfortunate Fancy Feast incident. Roxy loses eye and runs away squealing.
Day 9: Calm veneer snaps. Boudica hangs Squeak from a clothesline. The show's insurance providers muse, "Hmm, forgot to put in murder clause. Croissant?"
Next week, "Roxy goes public about stuff!" and the equally devastating "Sadie talks about some stuff!" Tune in!!!!!!!!!!!!