Stink Mitt with Pro Con and Will Munro at the Kathedral (651 Queen West), tonight (Thursday, May 27), $15, advance $10. 416-504-7934.
Emcee Betti Forde's got a Grand Canyon pussy and it wants some dumbass to go down. She needs a man-whore who will lick her crown. Failing that, though, she's perfectly happy to go spelunking all on her own, and often finds it preferable. "I'm the best lover I know," she tells me on the phone from Vancouver. "I never disappoint myself. And face it, if you were me you'd want to fuck yourself all the time, too."
Her partner in crime, Emcee Jenni Craige, jerks off six times a day thinking of Gary Coleman. He has a curved dick and great ambition, so he totally gets us hard."
Mmmm. Oh yeah, baby.
Forde and Craige, together with mysterious masked keyboard player Dr. Do-This, make up BC-based trash-talking trailer-clash rap outfit Stink Mitt, who have made a name for themselves layering hilariously filthy rhymes over lo-fi steamy funky dance beats.
Their record Scratch 'N' Sniff, produced by Bigstuff, who was nominated for a Juno at the tender age of 18 for his work with Organized Rhyme (I know, me neither, but Tom Green was in it; I think I saw them open for Bootsauce), features a collection of finely constructed, infectious tracks with groovy beats, great melody lines and cool rapping offset by Craige's awesome belt.
Their latest track, Jabba The Slut, a non-rap about a fat, predatory hooker in the desert who's gonna take all your money, is also available on 12-inch vinyl.
They were shoo-ins for the position of spokespeople for this year's National Masturbation Month, whose duties include headlining two shows presented by Come as You Are, one in Montreal and another tonight at the Kathedral.
"They are the perfect choice," says Come as You Are's Corey Silverberg. "They embody everything that National Masturbation Month is all about. They just scream masturbate. In fact, I've probably actually heard them scream 'masturbate. '"
"I jerk off every time I get onstage in Toronto," concurs Forde.
Onstage, Stink Mitt are a lewd, raunchy and priceless combination of sleaze, humour and, yes, talent.
After I saw them, with the Illuminati and Nashville Pussy, I rushed home all drunk to wake up my boyfriend and tell him about it, excitedly trying to re-enact the experience by performing my own renditions.
Other duties as spokespeople include "masturbating at every possible free moment," says Craige. "Constant masturbation and constant thoughts of masturbation."
That sounds like a lot of work.
"It's a lot of work," she agrees "but there are three of us."
Proceeds from T-shirts sold at the shows, which will read "Go fuck yourself," go to sex workers organizations Stella in Montreal and Maggie's here in Toronto.
"We're really happy to be helping them," says Forde.
"Sex workers perform a necessary function in society and should be recognized like masseuses or reflexologists. Prostitution should be decriminalized. It should be elevated and respected. Their work should be honoured and protected." On the West Coast in particular, it's glaringly obvious that the situation is in desperate need of a good fix.
"Take that whole fuckin' pig farm situation we just had. Prostitution is looked down upon. Women are forced to ply their trade in unsafe circumstances, so that's what happens. You have a sexist society where men are already taught to prey on women, and of course they're going to go after the women who are the most vulnerable."
Forde knows a thing or two about the issue of sex workers' rights, having studied it, in her own words, "up my ass." Her Stink Mitt persona is a cougar with a lust for drugs, alcohol and bad banger bars, but her alter ego, Maren Hancunt, DJ, activist, drama instructor and freelance writer, has a masters in women's studies and has written a book entitled Lady Lazarus, an in-depth look at Lydia Lunch's impact on feminism.
Craige, a single mother of six, still in search of at least one of the fathers of one of her babies, is actually Lady Precise, or Kaytea Daignault, a session vocalist and renowned battle MC.
They used to keep these different personas separate, but now it's not so important.
"It's all becoming one at this point," says Craige.
"When we started, creating the aliases helped us separate our normal lives and the band, but as the band progressed it became all-encompassing. It's like Jenni Craige and Katea and Betti Forde and Maren are each one human being at this point."
In Stink Mitt's abundant press coverage, comparisons to Peaches and Princess Superstar abound. There are plenty of women in hiphop, but the fact that these two reference points get pulled out over and over again proves how few chicks are getting noticed for counterbalancing the dick-driven world of rap. There were the Yeastie Girls. Remember? "I know you think it's gross to suck my yeast infection. Well, how do you think I feel when I gag on your erection?" Still, it's limited.
Fannypack may have a track titled Cameltoe, but it's terribly cutesy and hardly the same thing.
"We just do it because we're funny. We like to sit around and be funny," says Forde. "When we first started doing the raunchy sex rap thing, our idea was to directly parody gangsta hiphop. So we thought we'd take all the things they talk about in gangsta hiphop and do a song about it. That's why we have a song called Run That Train, about gang rape (on a guy). I remember listening to NWA when I was about 14, and I loved NWA, but then there was this song that said, 'Yo! She's a berry. Let's run a train,' and I remember how that made me feel, which was scared. We still love all that stuff, but we just thought maybe it was a way to render it safe and make us feel better about it.
"Like, this is scary, this is upsetting, and it's present in the music we love, so let's just take it and do it ourselves and maybe we can immunize ourselves against it."
Obviously, women are going to love Stink Mitt, and a large part of their audience is gay. They've performed twice at Vazaleen and been featured on Showtime's lesbian-chic show of the moment, The L Word. But what about the rest of the world? Like macho jock guys?
"We played Seattle the other night and there were these guys in the front row. They weren't macho jock guys, but they looked straight, white and middle-class, and they knew all the words to our songs," says Forde.
"Maybe everybody's getting sick of these misogynistic roles and wants to escape them."