Rob Ford hasn't exactly made a habit of carefully choosing his words. (See: Ben Spurr's rundown of Mayor Ford in his own words, including such gems as "I cannot support taxing the taxpayer.")
Whether or not Ford's weird racism/sexism/general tactlessness stems from bad guy malice or dopey obliviousness is irrelevant. The mayor says dumb stuff. Pretty much all the time. And recently, he's even moved away from actually saying dumb words, preferring to express himself via exaggerated sound effects, like that guy from Police Academy. But for the most part, Ford's dumb choices of words has tended to be just that: dumb. Idiotic. Stupid. Unwise. Maybe irresponsible. Daft, even. Etc., etc., etc.
That all changed yesterday, when Mayor Ford said probably the best(/worst) thing Mayor Ford has ever said, a statement distinguished not so much by its idiocy as its ominousness.
"We'll have more than a holiday let me tell you."
Some context: Ford was talking to reporters yesterday about the Leafs' playoff chances, and if he'd declare a citywide holiday were the team to win the Stanley Cup. The above-quoted was his response. "We'll have more than a holiday let me tell you."
What, in all of the earth and heavens, can the mayor mean by this? One of five things:
1. Suspension of the rule of law Well aware of the riots that have befallen Montreal and Vancouver during the playoffs, and the costs of policing a metropolis teeming with rowdies, Mayor Ford will use his power to adjourn law and order entirely. Looting, swearing, blowing red lights, double parking in a bike lane: anything goes!
2. Mandatory trip to Disney World The mayor has way too much to drink, wakes the city up at 4 am and drives it to Orlando in his Escalade. Talk about "more than a holiday"!
3. An orgy, maybe? Imagine it: a triumphant bacchanal, bodies brushed blue-and-white, heaving in the streets to strains of a pipe organ rearrangement of Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part 2," a steamy snake-pit of sexual excess. After the city has exhausted all the pent-up libidinal energy its been accumulating since 1967, people will eventually peter back to their homes and it'll all be business as usual, with the memory of all the hedonistic intemperance existing only in cast-off glances to strangers you might have slept with, canoodled or otherwise consensually fondled.
4. Mayor renames Toronto "Kesselberg," spells it wrong Congratulations. You now live in "Kesleberg." All your mail is redirected and, in turn, lost. Your grandma dies and you don't hear about it for months. Your gas is shut off and you freeze to death by the winter.
5. Some sort of ghastly, end-of-days bloodletting scenario Emboldened by the Leafs unlikely playoff win, Mayor Ford orders the blood of all newborns and Habs fans to be drained into Lord's Stanley's Mug. Against the warnings of his executive, he drinks from it. Instantly, his strength increases a hundredfold and what shreds of sanity remain empty out of his conscious mind. Frothing, mad, forty feet tall, Mayor Ford burns Toronto and large portions of the GTA to cinders, driving families out of their homes, a mass exodus down the QEW to Hamilton and Niagara. Some months later, the dust has settled and all that's left of the city is its mayor, naked as the day God made him, lord regent of all he's destroyed. The sun burns hot over the devastation. Surveying his kingdom of ash, cheap shattered condo glass and twisted steel, Mayor Ford chuckles quietly to himself. "More than a holiday let me tell you."
Let's all join Mayor Ford in cheering the Leafs, and our own inevitable demise.